TED Talks I Give in my Head

Smoked meats forever: The day I stopped caring about how everything is toxic and doubled-down on mini turkey pepperoni

Everything you worry and complain about would make your great-grandmother laugh and then retch: Let’s detail it, then go to the float tank and cry

Meeting Q&As: There are no stupid questions, but please resist the allure of your voice and let us go about our treacherous-enough life paths

Maintain your parenting standards by protecting your kids from social media and violent video games: Isolate kids from their peers, hold them firmly behind the online learning curve, and turn life into one ceaseless and dazzling power struggle

Roberts Rules of Order, neighborhood listserves, and announcements: How to make adults feel important and ruin everything

The Botox Debacle: Thinking about Botox and how that increases your need for Botox

Learn a family recipe or make something up: Avoid having to write TACO KIT for your child’s “Favorite Family Recipe” in at least a dozen school fund-raiser cookbooks (you’re going to have to cook it for the potluck, and no one believes that cheddar bunnies were smuggled over on the backs of your elders from the old country)

Do what you love and some likely not much money might eventually follow: How to work 8 years for 651 followers

Questions in modern parenting: If I Facebook my son’s black-belt ceremony, will someone locate us and try to beat him with his own nun-chucks?

Midlife budgeting: It’s too late to save for college or retirement, but you might be able to afford Invisalign for your janky top teeth if you serve only Chex mix at the Bar Mitzvah.

Awesome audience take-aways: I am totally gonna think up some

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