Coming Home: Four Days in Indonesia Part 1

I slept all day long , not because of jetlag, it’s just better than staying awake.

Saturday midnight, Gate A, I said goodbye to my sister and her husband in San Fransisco International Airport. I was preparing myself to go to a 14 hours flight to Taiwan. I tired myself and drink as little water as possible so I would not had to go to the bathroom while on the plane — I was sitting by the window. The flight was at 1 a.m Sunday, I hoped the sleep that I would get would prevent me thinking. I hate being sad in front of people.

One hour in, the food came in. I chose a non-emotional movie to accompany me eating. Frozen 2, Coco, and Encanto were definitely not my choice. Damn it, the trick did not work. I cried on the air, eating the not-spicy-at-all chicken with rice, watching Birds of Prey.

I transitted in Taiwan for four hours then went to Indonesia in a 6 hours flight. The airplane was full of Indonesians, it should feel like home isn’t it?I landed in Soekarno-Hatta Int’l Airport at Monday noon. My parents are working so my dad’s friend picked me up. I went to my dad’s office and after an hour, I finally met him.

It was weird, I felt like I just met him yesterday. We went home and catched up along the way. What I mean by catching up is talking about what I’m going to do next. He also asked about what my sister’s doing since I was with her the past two weeks. We ended up talking about what I and my sister should do next although she’s not physically with us. A typical conversation with my dad, he’s looking out for his children — this is also probably why I often talk about serious and deep matters with people even though we should be having “fun”. We got home and waited for my mom. When I met her, weird, it’s like we just met yesterday.

A few weeks ago, my Indonesian friend group in the U.S. was talking about going home. We had more than ten people going home this summer. They said we would only experience jetlag when going to the U.S. not when we got home, not really sure why. The day after I got home, I slept all day long , not because of jetlag, it’s just better than staying awake.

People have warned me when I got home, it would be a major adjustment. Meaning that, it would be extremely hard. You are a different person and would see things differently. I have never really understood it but I think I got some idea about it now.

I spent a few weeks in the U.S before going home, most of the going-home group have flown home earlier. All they post on instagram was just the fact that they miss Champaign — where my school at — so bad and would do anything to go back. They said enjoy Champaign while I still can, even for just a couple of days.

Now, it’s my turn. I know Indonesia is going to be different from the U.S. Hey, it always has been different! I said this to myself all the time the while I was there. I told myself not to expect things to be the same. I still feel so angry all the time since I landed. I joined a counseling group my first semester in Champaign. The counselor said that anger is always an expression of other feelings. What is it? I don’t know.

…anger is always an expression of other feelings.

Maybe I am sad. I refuse to see pictures on my phone because whenever I accidentally see it I would think how happy I was and suddenly be sad. I refuse to be sad because I did expect things to be different but why do I still feel sad?

Maybe I am afraid. I tasted the nice academic life while in the University of Illinois where my source of stress was only class materials. Although worth noting that I am an undergraduate, the experience might be different for other people, especially graduate students. I realised that people still can be nice to other people even if they are in a bad position. Treating and being treated badly should not be normalised. It is not “it is what it is”

Treating and being treated badly should not be normalised.

I am afraid to handle things in Indonesia. The early months of 2022 was basically one of the worst time in my life, yet. My personal and, mainly, academic life were horrible. The trauma just got back to me when I landed here. I tried to avoid thinking about it while I was in Champaign but now, it is right in front of my eyes. I am afraid that I could not face it for, at least, one more year.

Maybe I am anxious. I feel nervous meeting people back in Indonesia, friends and family. We have not spent the last year together. We all have changed. In addition, I am also very anxious that my friends, Class of 2019, are graduating this summer. Would I be able to make new friends?

I am currently a loner in a big-fat denial phase.

See Part 2!