Chestnut Mares And Gypsy Hearts

Photo by Richard Austin on Unsplash

Whenever I try to explain to someone I don’t feel like I necessarily want a ‘someone’ or that perhaps I’m just not girlfriend material — I am often met with the same comment. ‘You just haven’t met the RIGHT person yet’. Hmmm.

I don’t really think that’s it.

I’ve met plenty of nice people. And plenty of not so nice people. It all pretty much ends the same way no matter who is on the other side of the equation. And I am ok with that.

It’s society which seems determined that we all be paired up, even at my advanced age. We buy into it. Why is that?

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I do not feel incomplete. In fact, men seem to only bring chaos to my world (I named my first motorcycle Chaos in honor of this phenomenon). I just don’t have the time or energy for the complications and confusion. And I like men. Don’t get me wrong. I just don’t ever want to keep one.

I find peace in my alone time. Maybe it’s the fact that I was, for all intents and purposes, an only child. I crave the quiet of evenings without commitments and the silence of my own company.

Perhaps its because my J.O.B. drains the living soul out of me. I know what humans look like on the inside. I cut cancer out of people. I hold children as they struggle to go under anesthesia, singing them soft songs from my childhood. I herd surgeons like cats and stand in blood when it’s necessary — all without flinching.

Now decades after my children are grown, and my divorce is final, I just revel in the truth of my life. It’s just me here in this space.

Thankfully, severe allergies will keep me from becoming a crazy cat lady. Or crazy dog lady. I do have house plants. Heaps of house plants. I confess to talking to them on a regular basis. However, they do not talk back to me.

When you own a solitary nature it’s difficult to fit into a communal world. I have many friends who sincerely enjoy being part of a couple and all that means. I am not built like that. At least not these days.

I am thankful for my freedom. I understand that may sound corny. But the freedom to care for yourself — first — before anyone else is an amazing gift. The freedom to come and go as you see fit without checking in with another soul is breathtaking. The freedom to do what ever you want, any time you want, go any where you want, just because you want, is priceless.

I read a quote a while back (source unknown), but the gist of it was this, anyone who wanted a relationship with me wasn’t competing with the ghosts of my past, they were competing with the peace I found in my own solitude.

Good luck with that.