Why Does it Always Feel like my Loss?

I’m pretty sure we’ve all heard this at least once,

“It’s her/his loss.”

When the one you would like to stay was the one who got away, when an almost-relationship dies before even starting, when your heart obliterates in the midst of a presumably faultless relationship and other unfortunate cases.

“It’s their loss!” Exclaims your supportive, melodramatic friend who’s desperately trying to make you feel less of a shit head.

But then why doesn’t it feel that way? It doesn’t feel like I was the one who was lost. It always feels like I was the one who experienced loss. It’s never their loss, it’s forever mine. What a nice thought it would be to ponder on, to think that they were the one who got the short end of the stick.

It would be nice, except it’s nothing but a deceitful distraction! It would be terribly audacious of me to think that I was the one who got away. The one who chose to leave, blinded by the false promises I thought the world was holding back from me, only to find out in the end that I had made a huge mistake I could never undo, only painfully relive over and over again until guilt and regret eat me alive. It would be nice. For a change, you know.

But it’s always me who does the running, the chasing. It’s me who puts in a little more effort than the other person because I think of myself as a literal scum of the earth. Like, what did I do right as a scum that granted me a wonderful prize such as this person? Maybe I need to work on my self-esteem. Maybe I need to work on myself.

It just never feels enough. I just never feel enough. Inadequacy is such a fixture in my emotions, it almost feels more natural than smiling. Of course, I know, everyone deserves love, deserves to be loved, everyone is enough, blah blah blah…

But how do I believe something that never happens to me first-hand? I can’t continue vicariously living on my friends’ successful relationships. Or maybe I can… while of course, living in absolute torment for the rest of my wretched life.

Pray for me. Pray that I get out of this rut. Pray for all of us who are in this rut. To us, Losers (because it’s “never” our loss), cheers. I hope one day, life will prove us wrong.