How to Destroy a Marriage

Anonymous Penguin
Aug 22, 2017 · 7 min read


I want to remember the feelings I had on August 22nd after viewing pornography and masterbating. I want it raw and real. I don’t want to dilute my memory with time. I was washed over with a feeling of shock. What had I done? Reality came crashing back into my skull, like a car crash dummy smashing against a brick wall. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. The wonderful reality of yesterday and days before was shattered, leaving behind a broken and empty mirror frame. I can’t believe I have repeatedly done something I know will destroy my marriage. What I value most does not match the actions of that morning. My wife on her way to teach on her first day of grade school while I set about to destroy the most valuable thing I thought I had, my marriage. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to smash my phone with a hammer. I might as well have shot up heroin. I wanted to climb into the shower and just cry. Satan had gotten hold of my mind and taken it on a roller coaster of incredibly stupidity. My wife is the beauty and I am the beast. I am the loathsome fool who tricked himself into thinking he could have his ways and his beauty. I deserve nothing but the cold abyss that I’ve sought out in my desire for self pleasure. Watching pornography is an impulsive animalistic subhuman impulse that without notice steals my body and puts it in cruise, throwing me into the backseat to scream and to shout without success. I watch in horror as I see myself slam on the gas pedal and drive right through building after building. After robbing myself of my self worth, having finished my grotesque self pleasing drug, I awake to the horrible truth that I was not in the back seat, but waking up in the cockpit of my destroyed life. I stumble to my knees, quivering and praying to god to rescue my soul from it’s own self destruction, and the image pops into my mind of the image of her, crying as I tell her the details of my latest cue. I can’t do it. I have to do it but I can’t. It’s clear to me now, I don’t have the ability to see something inappropriate and flee from it. What world have I been banished to where at every turn there are lewdly clad women? Of all places and times on earth, I am assigned to labor in the land of pornographic ecstasy available at the click of a button. How Ironic that I who thought I was strong and able have been reminded of my inability to resist by the evil inside me, taking over like a thief right before my eyes, taunting me with my own freedom of thought and action. How can I find myself in this cess pool of coarse erotica that has stained my brain like the oil spills of our modern day ocean? How does a christian remain faithful to his promises and covenants when his inner self has crucified his desire for righteousness and chastity? In what world does it make sense that someone as pure and beautifully whole like her would choose to remain associated and mingle with someone as stained as me? It does not make sense, there cannot be a world where water and refined oil are meant to mingle. Pornography is my toxic fuel that drives me forward crashing down any hope of a bright future I may have built up for myself. It is the reason I die inside and the reason I have no will to go on. Though the sun may shine on this god green earth, I want to crawl so deep that the only thing that could grant me light is the heat of the inner core, burning the dross from my inner core. Though the Atonement of Jesus Christ may work for many, the chains of truth have dragged me away from what I thought I was and reminded me that I am in servitude to self pleasure. I am no better than the murderers who take life away from marriages. I am no better than Cain himself, who knew the light and chose to do wicked in the sight of god, slaying something good for a chance to get his quick fix only to see that Satan doesn’t fulfill his promises. Pornography is a quick fix; a dirty job that cannot be given the approval of the proud. It is the stark black hole that sucks in life, begins tearing at your very nature and rips that which is most precious to you, like a glutton who will never stop eating this pornography that leeches on and never stops until it’s host is dead. I am not sorry for myself; I’m terribly sad and angry and mad and disappointed at what I’ve done, but maybe this is who I am. Maybe, this is the life cycle I am meant to meander, the strange path I took many years ago, and have been lost all this time. What really smashes my pride is how stupidly and ignorantly I have let others down. The slow mansion I blueprinted for my future with she I had repeatedly burned with matches and now a flamethrower. I am no better than the Nazis that took the priceless human life and burned it to death. I have destroyed my marriage. I have taken the precious and unique gift of a celestial marriage, and doused it in lighter fluid and watched it burn and shrivel up into black ashes. How could I? What did she do to deserve someone like me? I am a house, the outside a little worn, not the most valuable home, the inside crawling with termites, the very frames cracking and breaking and will crumble into nothing at the smallest hint of pressure from external forces. Hollow, forgotten and of little value, only to be torn down and replaced by something modern and universally whole. Should she replace me? The obvious and easier answer would be yes. I have a lot of strong emotions going through my mind and heart right now, but one of the strongest emotions is my love for She. She is the only thing keeping me from giving up on myself, she is the purest reminder that Christ is real. She is the silver lining on every cloud that hangs over my future, reminding me that there is a sun, and it may shine for me one day. I don’t deserve She. That much is clear to me in my muddy groggy life. It’s the only thing that I understand right now, the only thing that makes sense in a world of doubt and questions. She. Now I must wait, knowing full well that the storm of sadness and destruction looms overhead, soon to begin the snowball that will bring on the avalanche that may bury the future we have together. It will be like the tsunami that rips out the beauty that man attempts to create. In vain I have tried to do good, in vain I have attempted to be a better me, and I have soiled myself and She’s hopes that I could honor her. I am not honorable. I am disgusting. A loathsome creature that deserves to be rejected and die. These are my feelings today. If I could tear from myself the part of my brain that houses these disgusting appetites I would do so. If it were possible for me to reverse time, I would slap the phone out of my hand and injure myself in some physical way, as a reminder of the danger of pride, forever handicapping me from seeking out pornography. I would happily trade blindness if it meant that I could become pure and escape the enemy that has held me in the dark. I’m willing to give up a my dream career if it means I’ll be faithful to my wife, or faithful to a brighter future. My dream of doing something incredible, shattered by myself. My own idiocy holding me back from greatness. Instead of climbing the ladder towards the peak of excellence, I have chosen to wallow in the sewers of Manhattan, something dark and grotesque, matching the man I am becoming.


My hope in posting this is that you will not repeat the mistakes that I have repeated. My hope is that some future individual will come across this and think about the crater blasting impact it will have on who you are, and who you want to be. Forget about relationships, forget about confidence in yourself, self control, cleanliness of thought and deed. Forget about your browsing history, it won’t exist if you want to keep a respectable facade. I hope that you will see how destructive pornography is, and how it kills relationships like a poison. You wouldn’t administer poison to yourself or your loved ones, so why watch pornography? I hope you will learn from me. I hope I can be with She. I hope she can forgive me. I hope she can help me. I hope for She.

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I want to publish with anonymity due to the nature of the things I wish to publish. Nuff said.

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