Compare the vision of your future you had at 17, to the one you have now. I’m 30, and I often forget who I USED to see myself being.
17: Psychiatrist. Opening up a private practice and running shit without anyone to answer to someday, while also getting paid enough money to survive. The ideal plan for me. I also saw myself partnered in a satisfying relationship, though I had only had one boyfriend for a few months by this point. I did not doubt that I would find someone someday.
30: Well-paid salesperson. Alone, with zero hope that I will find someone any day, ever. I hate everyone I meet. Like, actively want to get away from them.
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17: I saw myself losing weight within the next few years, and eventually being in a healthy relationship, with the body I needed to get and hold onto a good career.
30: I see myself being overweight forever. I know I have changed my ways before, but this time I just don’t think it’s going to happen. I have no energy for this shit. I can’t even cook anymore. This diet that works for me, requires ALL cooking basically. It’s a fuckton of work. I’m lucky if I manage to eat something that comes out of a box right now. I have zero confidence in my ability to succeed. I used to. Not right now.
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17: I saw myself respected and admired by my colleagues and in the community. I wholly expected to succeed; it was a given that I would achieve whatever the highest pinnacle of success possible was for a given task. Because, again, that’s how I roll.
30: Shunned and actively gotten rid of by employers, boyfriends, etc. Not respected by much of anyone as far as I can tell. Accept a lot of abuse instead as a result. I am not seen as a person with any accomplishments. I am the lowest rung on the totem pole in my company, but I’m thankful to be a rung at all, all things considered.
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17: I saw myself starting a family someday. Two kids probably, girls hopefully. Better clothes. I envisioned a man at my side, but he had no face. I figured his face would eventually be revealed to me…I’d meet someone someday, and their face would immediately cause a reaction deep within me, of distinct familiarity, of immediate and complete attraction, and I’d instantly KNOW without question that I had just met my soulmate.
30: I met the man whose face immediately felt like the face that belonged on the faceless man’s face. Except it’s been 1.5 years since he left…or rather, his wife made him leave. Of course, the face that fits for me, is one that belongs to someone else already.
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17: I am going to go to the #1 college in the nation. I am going to succeed.
30: I am going to fail. I have failed so much already. I know no other way anymore, and have no energy to change that.
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17: I am going to do something hard because it is so much more satisfying to achieve something when it’s a reach for you, or when you do it even when you don’t want to, demonstrating perseverance and delay of self-gratification.
30: Constant consumption. Immediate self-gratification. Pathetic. I am ashamed. It is a reason to hide. I use it to keep people away from me. I engage in using drugs instead of being with people.
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17: I am going to take on an abnormally high workload and STILL kick as much ass as I currently do. I’m going to work or go to school 7 days a week, take 2 insanely difficult math classes at the same time even though people advise against it as it is too demanding. I’m also going to be involved in activities outside of school, such as the Mathematics Undergraduate Students Association (treasurer), because I can manage my time well and will have time for hobbies after my studies.
30: I can’t manage my time at all and all my hobbies will fall away because I am too busy trying to survive.
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17: Teaches self how to play piano. Scores 6/7 on IB Music exam in which I had to do a full performance recording and I had only been playing for 1.5 years, self-taught. Teaches self how to code websites. (This is not a small feat! HTML, CSS, JavaScript, PHP…)
30: No longer has the patience or mental aptitude for reading music and has stopped pursuing piano seriously. No longer codes websites since HTML5 has a learning curve, and I can’t commit to doing the work to learn it. I also don’t have the drive to do those things, so that doesn’t help.
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17: I never expect to make a lot of money, but enough to survive would be great, and I’m independent and interested in having a high earning potential on my own so I can survive no matter what and thus have always been driving to accomplish the max I can. I want to ensure my safety in life. I want to ensure that I don’t have to worry about bills, or supporting a household with multiple people in it, most likely offsprings. I may have some weight to lose, but my outlook is optimistic, and my skills are solid and will take me in any direction I want to go in.
30: I expect to make no money in life. I expect to receive no assistance either except from family, which is a huge burden on them for which I feel deeply guilty. I am ashamed of myself and pessimistic about the future. I have many obstacles that I will not overcome, as my internal strength has been weakened so that these stories are no longer possible in the story of my life.
