Post-TBI Résumé

• Lost 100 pounds and kept it off for 5 years. Had full confidence that I would never gain any weight back, stuck to my new healthy lifestyle by fully committing to it, and I never worried about gaining weight again. I would never allow it, I knew this within myself. I would never go back to the dark place of being fat, invisible to the world.
• Had a functional long-term relationship. (I left him.)
• Managed my depression with one life-saving medication and regular therapy.
• Definite weed habit, but non-smoking and non-drinking.

Post-TBI Résumé

• Had a long-term relationship, but the most dysfunctional one imaginable. Went back to abuser twice; he left me just once, facilitating our ultimate demise, but once is enough. (He left me.)
• Do the opposite of everything that is healthy. Know what I should do, yet do not care enough to do it. Resign self to lifetime of failure and engage in constant consumption.
• Cannot keep to a daily schedule. Does not even brush teeth everyday.

Post-TBI Résumé

• Talk to people for a living.
• When that fails, drive people around for a living.

Pre-TBI Resume:

• Near 4.0 academic achievement since birth. Final GPA at #1 college was 3.75 and college was easier than high school where I got a 3.8ish unweighted I think, 4.3 weighted. Whatever the fuck all that means.
• Withdrew for a semester, but returned and got straight A’s for the next 5 semesters. Ended up graduating 1 month early due to over a semester in credits that carried over from my work in IB. (FUCK YEAH. And that’s totally fair — 22 units, or about a semester-and-a-half’s worth of coursework at Berkeley, is about equivalent to the fuckton of work high school was. High school was easily 10x harder than college. College was chill af and I basically just smoked weed and hung out with my boyfriend while learning about some really mindblowing academic topics in linguistics, psychology, and computer science.
• Graduate magna cum laude from #1 college in the nation.
• Prepare to apply to Ph.D. programs in linguistics. Work with an adviser in the department on an honors thesis in which I made significant, measurable and hugely valuable additions to a written grammar of a language spoken in Northwestern California by just a handful of people. This is kind of significant, is it not? Saving a dying language from extinction? Languages die everyday; to slow language death is a common problem all linguists wish to solve. Plus, it’s cool to think that in 100 years, when future generations of this Native American tribe enroll in school, they can take classes in their native tongue, and the textbook they learn from will have my work in it. Another 100 years down the road, their native language is thriving again, and enriching the community.
• Worked on an incredibly cool computational linguistics and natural language processing study for a year in which we collected and performed linguistic analysis on speech data recorded on-site and on the telephone, in order to improve speech recognition technologies. This is kinda significant, is it not?! Speech recognition technology is a huge part of our lives now in 2016. I was doing this work in 2007, and had I continued on that path I would have seen a lot of really amazing advances happen in the field. Instead, I never pursued an advanced degree in linguistics and the most significant thing about my career is the money I make from it ($100K). It has no impact on the world, and does not enrich me personally. I enjoy it, since it’s like a game to me, and when I can work the way I want to I’m fucking amazing at it. But it’s not like making significant academic contributions to a project which directly assisted in developing the equivalent of Siri. That’s ACTUALLY impressive, whereas right now I’m just bullshitting 24/7 until people stop paying me to do so. Eventually they will expose me as the fraud that I am.

Post-TBI resume:

• No higher education of any kind.
• No longer have interests I get excited about and pursue. Everything is too much work. I am too drained just trying to make sure I survive. Not even kidding.

IB Diploma recipient, which meant all of the following had to have been true:

#1 — 50,000 research paper for Theory of Knowledge (Philosophy)

#2 — A passing score of a 4 out of 7 or higher on all 6 subject tests, similar to Advanced Placement (AP) exams. At least 3, but optionally 4, of these six tests were required to be tested at “Higher Level” (HL) and 2 were tested at “Standard Level” (SL).

HLs: Mathematics, Biology, English, and Spanish

SLs: Music and Anthropology.

• I opted to do 4 HLs, because I was ambitious af.
• I opted to do the 4 hardest HLs possible (without getting into detail, but this is a well-known fact in the IB community)