Edit: 8.2.21

The Book I Published; yet another cover change after the one referenced below

July 23 2021

This is a much more personally satisfying book cover design compared to the previous one; the previous design’s appearance of which, in my perceptual conscious experience, essentially comprises the form of personal integrity compromising filth.

Perhaps it could be easy for me to argue against myself at the moment. Because there is something rather insidious about the nature of my moral & spiritual prioritizations. If I’m honest with myself I can see a kind of solipsistic preference for this personal integrity based sense of satisfaction, over the concern about the overall effect my writing will or will not have on other people; and yet it’s also obvious that I have no way of knowing how to ascertain even a reasonably confident estimated prediction of the difference in outcomes pertaining to the potential socially external effects in either of these dichotomous options; therefore this concern over priorities can be easily placated with a kind of objective — epistemological agnosticism derived — nihilism, and coexisting subjective value system that from this intrinsically limited perspective indicates I have made the right choice. However this is of course notwithstanding the consideration of options outside of such a binary selection.

But beware of judgement, be it the object of self or other, because the pernicious nature of judgement can supersede the relevance of this initial object. So with that I must make my choice without perpetuating condemnation of unchosen considerations or even what might become a regrettable choice: even if that choice ends up becoming my patternistic self-defeating non-choice of indecision or ambitional forfeiture in which I retract the aspiration to publish a display of my writing.

Ok, let’s just put something online, some kinda blog so that I have some publicly available fraction of writing that I can reference for the sake of a kind of online social stratum.

After all, I can feel what remains of my motivation slipping away from me.

11:59 am

So I have now copied the above writing to this draft in medium after making a new medium account. And now write in medium directly. I’m not particularly inclined to say much at the moment and will simply continue to add writing that has already been prepared. — oh, one thing to mention; perhaps this will not be organized and published in the form of a book, or perhaps it will, but nonetheless for now I will resort to using medium.

The previously created (last night) cover design:

Text from above image:

Introspective Diary of a Mentally Ill Genius

trying to pursue enlightenment

paradoxically self-deprecating/cringe-inducingly-pretentious & introspective personal diary of some anonymous mentally-ill treatment-resitantly-depressed genius muthafu___ with a concurrent life- & academic-successless/fluid-intelligence disparity, and a proclivity for ignorance-based philosophically-creative wheel-reinvention, and a maladaptive emotionally-immature buddhist-philosophy-intellectualizing laziness-rationalizing form of mindful-belly-button-fuzz-picking superiority conceit

who wishes to placate and lament about his frustrations over the monumentally personal-integrity-sacrificing act of having such a click-baity book title, which essentially represents — in his disproportionately exaggerated perception — the very kind of deeply upsetting reality of the seemingly irreconcilable problematic qualities of human nature that at this point have circled around on themselves like a snake guided by the shortsightedness of evolutionary-psychology; a placating and lamenting of which he wishes to use as some silly and almost-amusing subtitle derived mini-introductory description which leaves room for a brief spontaneously-constructed linguistically-novel maxim of his long-held personal view of the obvious problematic nature of societal-intellectual-fetishising & -ideolizing biases, which essentially neurish a kind of spiritually-, philosophically-, & morally-maladaptive ‘superiority/inferiority complex narcissism-permitting/enabling-mindset’; a mindset characterized by the perniciously unhealthy value system that makes precarious attributions of someone’s worth, be it self or other, based ultimately on fluctuating, impermanent, and insubstantial qualities that are often misunderstood and wrongfully inferentially connected to unrelated aspects of character or personality; resulting in the most colossal travesty of a morally implicative misunderstanding according to this ambiguously exaggerated viewpoint

By: Some Weird Anonymous Strange Buddhist Guy

Written last night after creating/writing all that:

My Thoughts: Man I hate this title; hold up, tryna be less negative; uhhh, so, I don’t like this Title at all, and think it’s obnoxious, but nonetheless, it is what I chose.

July 21 2021

some selected writings from this day

On renouncing unsolicited encouragement, advice, etc.

What I’ve learned about knowing what to believe is that having trust in another’s words is no more likely to lead to the truth than trusting in my own beliefs, which is to say there is no way of truly knowing what to believe, but at least if I’m wrong as a result of trusting myself, I won’t be angry when it turns out the other person was wrong, nor will I give them power over me if they are dishonest or inconsiderately motivated to even believe their own bullshit for the sake of convincing and influencing others. I also don’t have to have the exhausting cognitively dissonant self-fragmentation and -argumentation that typically gets triggered by some silly codependent desire to acquiesce to the views or claims of another.

Ultimately I’d rather be wrong and even suffer from it than be right if only because I trusted in the seemingly fallacious or irrational words of someone else. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about autonomy and dignity of belief.

Interpersonal Dependency

It seems unhelpful to act in accordance to some notion, be it preexisting or causally precipitated, that seeing and talking to another human being is a better use of my time than a pursuit of self-reliant growth, philosophical contemplation, and knowledge attainment. Be that as it may, perhaps it could be used as a strategic and pragmatic form of self-growth augmentation rather than necessity; which of course implies the value of going about this endeavor with a sense of moral courage and authentic intellectually-critical tenacity.

written earlier in the day:

Optimism and Cynicism

A dialectical integration and reconciliation. An intellectually authentic approach to deriving emotional wellbeing from the optimism-bias function of the emotionally well human psyche, without disparagement of one’s seemingly pessimistic yet relatively realistic and uncompromisingly honest worldview that would essentially seem to go against the typical optimistic bias of those who maintain psychological wellness; which essentially seeks to find points of contact between reality — or rather one’s intellectually authentic perception of reality — and would would cognitively function as a fertile philosophical substrate conducive to a robust growth of what essentially amounts to the very subjectively and psychologically real experience of what those who are spiritually inclined would typically refer to as faith.

Selected Writing from July 13 2021

The Grand Illusion Of Potential

A brief sidenote: Conversations of the concept of free will seem ultimately an etymological distraction from the relevant science, so let’s talk not about that, but instead consider the concept of ‘self-control’ or ‘willpower’.

I won’t cite shit but the science is out there… Anywhobalue, ere’s the short simple version: He has some aptitudes, intelligence, talent n shit n whatnot but consider this; the scientific statistical data regarding ‘willpower’ which is a measurable and strengthenable(my new made up word) but nonetheless limited ability, shows that it correlates to success in life even more strongly than intelligence. Now consider the executive function impairment caused by adhd (not really caused by it, since adhd is just the label/name, but you get the point) not to mention the comorbid mental health issues that further decimate one’s overall potential. There’s two ways this affects what’s known as ‘willpower’ which seems to be an important component of executive function. One is to limit it and limit the extent to which it can be strengthened, the other way is that due to a myriad of issues, the little amount of willpower there is gets perpetually exhausted and used up before it can be of much effective use.

Now this little above narrative is important. Because although it’s not always true, it certainly can be from some people. Positive assumptions about someone’s potential might feel nice to make… But they should be considerations, not assumptions, and it should be something that isn’t effortfully force-fed and imbued in the mentally ill which can have a disastrous result of leaving them too guilt-ridden in the aftermath of complete abject failure, to even properly ask for much needed resources.

Professional Grandiose-Overstepping- Pontification-Assertions and the Need for a Dialectical-Diagnostic-Humility-Based Approach

Ya know there was a time when medical professionals would assert rather dreary prognosis predictions as some kind of inevitable fact and there are plenty of pretty little nice sounding stories of people triumphing in spite of that, and I aint gonna disparage those stories because I think there is a problem with such negative proclamations made to patients, but my assertion about what the problem is, is that it’s not based on the cynical nature of the prediction, it’s a problem of a ‘professional’ overstepping what it actually means to be a professional and essentially acting as some kind of authoritative fucking psychic. Nowadays there seems to be a pervasive problem in the opposite direction, and again I ain’t gonna disparage the validity of a kind of empowerment movement because I understand and respect that it’s monumentally helpful for some, but what I have a problem with is the unsolicited encouragement that for people like myself feels completely invalidating, patronizing, and emotionally destabilizing — well, ok, not always, I guess it really depends on the context, the person, my mood, etc. But essentially, what would be helpful is if people who are struggling with something could be initially communicated with, with inquiries about what would be helpful to them and if they’d prefer not to have their perception of things challenged at the moment by well-intentioned, but ignorant or presumptive others who seem to love to pontificate their own optimistically biased view as if it’s some kind of prophesied grace that the afflicted should just accept and be grateful to hear. So to put it simply, I don’t want anyone else telling me what the fuck I oughta believe or think without asking me first if I’m open to changing my view and even then I’d prefer enough respect to be communicated with with a sense of openness that includes the possibility of my perspective not actually needing to be changed. It’s not that I’m stubborn, it’s that I’m tired. Really fucking tired. My mental health issues do not take away my right to my own opinions. And they also don’t take away my ability to think critically, which for me is one of my strengths, though strengths can also be weaknesses depending on the context. For example, questioning what side of the road one should really drive on is probably not a good idea when one is actually driving and needs to be focused on the road, and although there’s a value to the ability to question even seemingly obvious values and practicalities, it’s nonetheless more of a mind-experiment exercise than a practical everyday pathological compulsion.

Ok…. Did I write enough?

I rest my case.

An interesting selection from June 25 2021

An Integration Agreement

So, my agreement with you is this: I will limit my negativity, but you need to allow yourself to be a little stubborn. Other people don’t realize how much you disparage what you know about yourself and your own story just to avoid bringing other people down. We don’t need to be angry anymore or argue with anyone or prove anything. We need to be honest about what makes sense — even intentionally lying would be less harmful than believing your own lies and tearing yourself apart — accept that other people might cry and be sad and accept that that’s a normal human reaction and you don’t need to try to prevent other people’s emotions. Your life is very difficult and not everyone will see that or understand it. You don’t need to pity yourself but you don’t need to hate yourself either. You don’t have to feel responsible for other people’s emotions but you don’t need to get upset by them either. Find some balance/stoicism/equanimity… And don’t take this possible growth too far into a world of idealism in which you typically do where you place expectations on yourself. Because that is what will repeat this cycle. You can be a better person but holding onto the view that you will completely escape all the aforementioned difficulties is exactly the kind of attachment that separates us and prevents us from being whole. We might not have the kind of life that matches your ideals but we can still learn to make the most of what we have. This integration has already been happening, let’s continue the process and find some peace in just being.

(July 22 2021 reflection: holy shit it worked)

Final Word from Today, Friday, July 23 2021

Thanks for tormenting yourself by reading this, member of medium. My condolences.

Hello, I just published my first ebook ‘Treatment-Resistant Mental Illness’, on the amazon/kindle/whatever site, don’t read it though it’s terrible