Welcome, teachers, to the 2020–2021 school year.
Our ultimate decision to return to the classrooms was made via a virtual conference meeting in which all parties were safely quarantined at home. No teachers were consulted in this decision as we found that we, as people who talk about education but do not actually practice it, have a good idea of what the classrooms look like and we, as people who listen to the news but do not have any medical degrees, feel this is more than safe.
This contract will outline your basic duties and responsibilities as an instructor for this upcoming school year. We realize that the climate has changed, but please rest assured that your role has only minimal adjustments that we see as both vital and reasonable.
As a 2020–2021 teacher, you are tasked with the following expectations and procedures:
- Maintain all appearance of strength of mind, sanity, and happiness. We do not want anyone knowing how scared you may be inside. As the Fuji-Q Amusement Park so eloquently recommended “please scream inside your heart.”
- Be aware that social distancing is still highly recommended by the CDC. You should accommodate this for all students, and no, we have not stepped foot inside your classrooms to visualize this design, but we trust you’ll come in early to arrange your desks and tables accordingly. By the way, large class sizes will remain the same.
- Masks will be worn at all times. No, we will not be reporting insubordinate behavior to parents or families; we’d rather not bother them. That means you must encourage and enforce this behavior with little to no support from administration. Like we said — there’s little change here!
- In districts where masks are optional, students should not be spoken to about mask-wearing, nor its proven ability to stop the spread of disease.
- Research suggests children do not spread the virus in the same way as adults. Schools are therefore a relatively safe environment for children. We’re aware that you are adults. We think you’ll be fine, though.
- Research also suggests that there will only be a .02% fatality rate for school aged children. Please prepare to also be grief counselors as this nation loses over 14,000 students.
- As per the results of surveys given to nearly every party except teachers, parents can decide not to send their children into school if they feel unsafe. You do not have this choice. Please provide and monitor any online learning for home-bound students while keeping up with your in-classroom duties.
- No, fear of the virus is not a legitimate excuse to miss work. See bullet #1.
- Yes, we must get back to school because the economy needs to make a comeback. You are now our primary tributes. May the odds be ever in your favor. But, if they’re not, we have a template letter prepared to be sent out to the public should COVID-19 be the cause of your untimely death. No worries.
- Lunch will now be held inside the classroom. This means you do not have a duty-free lunch break. Please spend this time making sure students stay distanced, don’t bring any nut-products, eat appropriately, don’t steal other kids’ food, clean up after themselves, keep track of their lunch money, and wash their hands before and after. It is recommended that you pack an easy-to-eat lunch for yourself such as a smoothie or a mask pre-loaded with snacks so you can eat on the go.
- Those of you not tenured must still go through all observations, paperwork, portfolio, and interview requirements. You will now be additionally judged on your ability to maintain control over your classroom in the 2020 COVID-19 era. Do us proud.
- Any additional PPE you feel is needed must come out of pocket. Yes, we realize most of you were not able to work over the summer. No, our budget does not accommodate these requests. Yes, our administrators will be receiving a raise this year.
- If we ultimately transition back to distance learning, you will again have approximately 48 hours to transform your curriculum to be conducive to online delivery. Those two days will not count towards our 180 days nor your PD requirements.
- If a teacher MUST be absent due to suspected infection, a substitute teacher must then volunteer to risk their lives in the same classroom where said teacher possibly contracted the virus. No, we have not found additional subs to supplement this year or fix our constant substitute shortage. No, your board of education members will not volunteer to substitute.
- Parents and guardians have overwhelmingly communicated that they are tired of helping students with schoolwork, so please curtail your homework assignments accordingly.
- Continue to provide detailed lesson plans with rationales and alignment with Common Core Standards. Students may be slightly behind in curriculum due to the conclusion of the 2019–2020 school year. It is now your duty to fill in that gap while also remaining accountable for your typical goals and standards in a normal year. Oh, and standardized testing will resume and not be tailored to the educational effects of our current crisis in any way. These will continue to be the preferred measurement in which we determine your value and efficacy.
- Your value to the public is now very well known. Please refrain from any public complaint or social media posts that identify any grievances. The public now better appreciates your role, but we do not care for your input.
Again, we thank you for your cooperation and look forward to exploiting your hard work and public service in the fall.
Please provide your signature below along with your emergency contact(s).
