Moving to the bottom[s]
Trying to beat the odds. Trying to go beyond the numbers. Above and beyond the stats
[it doesn’t work like that. the key is falling in love with patience and remaining humble in all situations (I think)]
I lose and find myself a million times a day. Sometimes I feel like Im being too hard on myself. The things I used to enjoy doing seem to be dwindling away. The stuff I used to listen to. The people I used to admire. Then other times, I begin seeing the light again. Then- it goes dark again. I dislike complaining and this isn’t why I’m writing this so dont judge too hard. Sometimes I just feel like I’m just missing out on some sorta perspective even though I go out of my way everyday to talk to new people & try to understand how other people think…
How did I become this way…
Theres no doubt that I know how thankful I am and should be. I know I’ve been blessed with some amazing friends & family that I truly dont deserve. I know things could be a lot worse. Our parents have been thru things within their lifetime and early years I couldn’t even wrap my head around. But why is it that with having soo much I’m still not fulfilled. Do I have too high of expectations for myself? Maybe that’s my problem. I’m OCD about how I would like to see things happening in a perfect world. I’ve obsessed over it before. I remember growing up and coming up with the wildest ideas to fix certain problems in the world. My dad would laugh it off knowing it’d never work out with everything he’d seen and gone thru but I never lost hope in some of those ideas.
Trying to help anyone and everyone that I cross paths with, I certainly have found a sense of inner peace by doing so. But why does it feel like thats all fading away? Why am I loosing all of it? Maybe its something that comes and goes in phases? Maybe I’m just over thinking it…
I don’t know the answers to these questions. Maybe thats part of the reason for the panic. I used to have a lot of courage and confidence to do a lot of new things but my touch for it has been slowly dying away as I really start to think things thru. Reaching extremes of both being super happy and then roadblocks daily getting in the way don’t necessarily average into a happy medium. Seeing a little bit of both lately certainly has brought a sense of conflict and clashing which has made for a bit of a bumpy ride. If you’ve ever been on the Timberwolf at Worlds of Fun, just imagine doing that daily.
While all of this may seem like a gloomy situation, it’s NOT all BAD! I think theres a valuable lesson to be learned while here at the bottom. I can tell you its certainly NOT the most exciting feeling to always have something inside you thats always pulling you back. I think Ive always been happy at surface level. I’ve never wanted to put a burden on anyone nor do I feel the need for anyone to feel sorry for me. Everyone has problems. Everyone has issues in their life. I wish more people were just open about theirs and had the courage to ask for help when they needed it most. Its the only thing holding so many of us back. The lack of some sort of perspective as to why things are the way they are. But I understand as I go thru it myself that sometimes finding that courage to do so seems next to impossible and everyone is wired differently & has different personality traits.
Sure- some of my problems might seem minimal relative to whats out there in the world but thats besides the point or the reason as to why I’m writing this. Being at the bottom truly has helped me gain a deeper understanding that I should be giving myself time to ease into things without forcing myself into or out of situations. Ive always been on this hype train and its gotten me far for sure but I’ve also lost a secondary sense on certain things along the way which I’m trying to regather and understand. The decisions I make when I remain within my own means, by myself are much more practical than those when I sometimes get a little too carried away.
The whole situation around cutting my hair was partially my transition for trying to find myself. I’m not superhuman by any stretch. So again, don’t get me wrong. I’m the last person you’ll hear complain about name calling but deep down, I know all the racism and ignorant comments, and always feeling left out gets the best of you. It truly does tear you apart and dictate your every decision. I never really thought twice about it and had a lot of faith but there is a sense of knowing your always different and your never truly going to fit in. Do you keep doing you and sticking out when you were everyone else tells you your crazy or harasses you? Yes, yes you do! But… sometimes other things in life get in the way and you have to really get serious about what matters most to you now vs later and everything I’ve done thus far has been a foundation around the idea of being able to sacrifice a little comfort today for a better tomorrow. Without getting too deep into that, different blog soon….
As I began reflecting, I could see the effects on my tone and my perspective of things. You become bitter about a lot when your constantly faced with fear from strangers and hate in general from people you don’t even know. I was able to move forward with a decision I still somewhat regret but deep down, I know its only for the better. For anyone going thru something of this nature in your 20’s, Id hate to put words in your mouth but I truly encourage you to do what makes you happy and find yourself. The 20’s are the best time to figure things out before the fact of reality hits you. Don’t let anything or anyone hold you back from achieving that.
Bringing a sense of hope in desperate situations
Is there such a thing as being too nice? As being too empathetic? I really don’t think there is.
I’ve always tried my hardest to make everyone happy around me in even the smallest aspects that I felt I had lacked or screwed up. Where I saw some emptiness in myself, I try to spread that across everyone I knew, come across, or even strangers I would meet. I still do that. I suppose I’ve been letting my personal insecurities drive every decision I’ve made. I still don’t think thats a bad thing. But you know how some people find an escape from reality towards a bigger problem and are constantly doing things [drinking] to keep themselves busy and/ or ignore the reality of how things are? Thats kinda what its like but its giving back and thats what matters. I want to give back in every little thing I’ve screwed up. Give back in everything I’ve seen myself fail at. Give back in every way I saw I didn’t have the opportunity. Being able to see those around me happier than myself still has its guilty pleasure but it allows me to give more than I take in which has been something I’ve always tried to focus on heavily.
I don’t think I’ve burnt myself out from trying to help other people. I think I’ve just lost myself along the way somewhere. I’ve lost what I once believed in. What I once thought was right vs wrong. I’m not really sure what i should be doing right now. What i should or shouldn’t be focused on. And yet I have so much I could be doing. So much I should be doing. Right now. As I write this…
I’m at the heart wrenching phase of when all of a sudden your computer freezes when writing a 25page paper. You didn’t save any of it. At that point you could either watch the computer stay frozen for hours. Just stare at the screen and all the work you’ve spent countless hours doing. Or you can hit the power button, and restart from square one. Hopefully remember the most important aspects of the essay, the main idea, and the bigger picture and get back on your feet. Relearn all th0se things. Try to come back back stronger and write a better essay. What do you keep? What do you throw away? Writing the paper was the easy part for me. I would always procrastinate and just wing it on anything and everything. And sure it worked. But what was my purpose behind it? Leaving everything behind, one thing I’ve kept close to myself is the idea of trying to have direction and speed. Speed or hard work is only important if you have direction. And just having direction without the work leaves you in a fairyland world with a lot of ideas without any further progression. Maybe I’m overthinking that too. Just do things. Stop seeking instant gratification for everything ANOOP! CHILL the fuck OUT and be PATIENT.
I’ve always been told I think too much. Everyone says I stress out about things too much. Everyone says I work too hard. Everyone says I’m too hard on myself. But I don’t know why I can’t get over it. Why I can’t get past all of it.
This likely goes back to me just trying to always stay ahead of the curve and understanding things further than surface level. I’ve always tried to find purpose for everything I try to do. If I can’t find purpose in it, I typically won’t do it. Maybe that’s my problem? Not everything you do you’ll fully understand. It won’t always be apparent why your doing it right in the moment. It’s not always going to be instantly gratifying. Which is fine but I guess thats a personal issue.
Who am I? At the end of the day, knowing and understand yourself far outweighs anything else in life. College degrees without purpose, money without anything meaningful to spend it on, or passion to make a difference without the drive and hard work. Content without context. etc etc.It’s all relative-putting it all together and making it work is where the magic usually happens. easier said than done
I hope that everyone goes above and beyond and tries to find greater purpose in situations but again I hope nobody listens to a single thing I say. This isn’t an end all and a simple blanket quote would probably cover all these issues I’m dealing with and put them to sleep but if only it was that simple & easy. Most of this stuff probably doesn’t apply to a majority of you or you just wouldn’t understand which is totally okay so take it all with a grain of salt.
I used to have the confidence to share my prospective on everything because I thought I knew what I was doing. But the more and more I reflect, I really don’t. One day maybe I’ll be wise enough to share what I’ve learned and know exactly what someone should do when they’re 21 but till then, dont take anything I say too seriously. I’m not trying to be better than anyone else. I don’t want to be number 1. Number 2 is fine. Number 27 is ok too. I just want to improve who I was yesterday vs who I am today. When we look at where we started, I think we all have something to be proud of. How FAR we make it from where we started far outweighs those that started at a higher point and only marginally improved themselves from 98 to 99. Learning to not compare the outsides of others to your insides. Well actually, maybe I should just stop comparing myself to anyone else. So much that I do and say goes right above most peoples heads. I just had a simple goal of trying to inspire others and help where at all possible. But truth be told, you have to help yourself and do something for yourself first before you can give back to anyone whether thats mentally physically and/or monetarily. I don’t think I’ve done anything significant enough in my books to try & teach anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. Stay humble and keep working. Theres always room for improvement.
Closing: I don’t recommend you try or do any of the stuff above that I’ve done or tried. I hope you make it. Hope your really successful. Hope all your desires come to reality. I really do. But its time I get off the wave of the hype and find myself and who the hell I want to be before I try to tell others something I haven’t even slightly mastered. I caught myself before it was too late.
If you made the read all the way to here, props to you and I’m extremely grateful. If you read this and it inspires you one way or another, I’m really happy too. If you didn't read it at all, I’m still happy. The bottom line is i’m doing this for myself to reflect on my thoughts one day and keep myself on track. As I wrote this, I began digging deeper and deeper into myself which brought a sense of understanding and meaning towards a lot of things.
with all the gloomy, gray, depressing shit out of the way….
on the bright side,
we just relocated into the west bottoms and honestly, it was a much needed change of pace. Soo much vibrance, art, inspiration, and people doing what they love without blinking an eye or looking back. Living below their means. Soo much history. So much to see. 5 minutes away from anywhere in the city. Couldn’t be happier in that respect. Actually, the trains. Fuck the trains. Every 15 minutes of blaring train horn sucks. haha
I’m missing a lot of words in this. I’ll continue to add more blogs as I get deeper into myself. My goal is to maximize learning and the first step to that is to let go of your ego and act as a student, not a teacher. Theres a sense of humility you gain when looking down instead of always trying to be inspired by those above you. There is no limit to how high you can go. Theres also no limit to how low you can go. Trying to find the persistence to stay at ground level and help those below me while looking down and straight forward.
For me, there just happens to be a sense peace and comfort in the chaos so I’m playing it out at the bottom.
just know the low key-ness isn’t any of you. its me.
Note to self: In life you get out only what you put in. So if your not satisfied yet, keep on giving.
And no blog is complete without a few adventure pictures from the bottoms sooo….
5 Minutes from everything. Literally. Downtown Airport.