DARK SOULS 3 BOSSES RANKED BY KISSABILITY
#18-ALDRICH, DEVOURER OF GODS
While he has the top of Dark Sun Gwyndolin which is extremely kissable he has this weird shaggy lower half thats sorta like if you lifted up a eldritch rock and under that eldritch rock was a really gross all consuming eldritch worm
#17-DEACONS OF THE DEEP
Look at these dudes. They’re like weirdo undead zombie pig things. Plus there is literally a never ending supply of them that constantly keep popping up. I don’t know about you guys but I found myself in a few weird train situations in high school and when there’s too many grabby hands it gets uncool fast
#16-IUDEX GUNDYR
While at first he appears like everyone’s favorite daddy dom in shining armor he quickly reveals an extremely gross big ass secret that maybe some of you tumblr freaks would like but I’m not trying to get my ass chewed on by this goopy giant thing that explodes out of him
#15-CURSE-ROTTED GREATWOOD
Really nothing to say here besides the fact that if I were into sucking or kissing on balls that this would probably be a solid choice based on the sack this dudes sporting
#14-ANCIENT WYVERN
This thing is first off absolutely massive so kissing it just seems like a headache but lets say I’m like that chick from Game of Thrones that Jose really fucking hates and I control dragons and say this dragon was my homie and then maybe I smooch him because he’s such a good dragon…then and only then would this be an okay choice
#13-OCEIROS, THE CONSUMED KING
So off rip this is just straight up kinda gross. He’s got sunken eyesockets, weird little spore Earthworm Jim looking things growing out of him and overall appears very slimy. However the saving grace is that he loved his baby so much that he holds it in his hand and eventually smashes the ever-living shit out of it. I don’t want to be that baby but it does tell me that he’s a strong lover which maybe means he’s a good kisser
#12-CRYSTAL SAGE
Appears to be undead? Maybe that’s just a mask? Could be a good kisser? The biggest problem is all the illusions in this fight. I’m not looking to get my heart broken again Crystal Sage. Don’t play games with me man, just be honest with me…
#11-OLD DEMON KING
I really have no redeeming qualities about this guy because he’s huge, has a badass tree beard, sprays fire, and would probably burn my sweet luscious Mexican lips but I guess that’s a bit better than eldritch slime
#10-YHORM THE GIANT
Underneath all the pain, dissapointment, and chainmail helm are a decent pair of pouty lips that are looking like they’re long overdue for a good kissing. Don’t worry Yhorm, you may have let down the entire city of people you were sworn to protect but together we can overcome anything babe
#9-VORDT OF THE BOREAL VALLEY
A once human turned beast like dog Vordt would probably be a bit too aggressive a kisser for my liking but in the end I value loyalty and that dude guarded the gate like it was nobody’s business
#8-ABYSS WATCHERS
The worst kind of guys are the ones who are way too eager to get into yr pants and end up starting a fight when everyone’s naked just waiting for their turn. It’s almost comforting how they’re willing to die just to line up and lemme give them a kiss
#7-DRAGONSLAYER ARMOUR
Look at how stupid thicc his legs/chest is. I’m pretty sure lorewise he’s a human? So once we finally get past that ice breaking level he can take off that helmet and let daddy see what he’s working with under there
#6-SOUL OF CINDER
Coming down to the home stretch here we have just a very good old fashion sturdy looking half roasted like you let the paper towel get too close to the flame on yr oven looking knight. Is it kissable? Probably not. He should probably be way lower but there’s a lot of gross shit in this game that I’m not really trying to kiss so he’s lucked out
#5-PONTIFF SULYVAHN
Not entirely sure what’s under that face but if we’re going off his lore and drip in this current picture perhaps taking a few on the lips would be in my best interest if I ever wanted to become a powerful sorcerer
#4-CHAMPION GUNDYR
All the hunking daddy dommy cummies Lee Sin thrust kicking you’ll ever need in one beautiful man tending to some graves in the pitch dark Untended Graves
#3-NAMELESS KING
I’m not entirely sold on kissing someone who’s extremely undead but the Nameless King has everything going for him. He’s got a goddamn lightning spear, a fire breathing dragon that he rides around on, that silver fox long flowing mane, and one of the best OSTs in the entire series. This all coupled together is enough for me to look past his crusty alligator lips and let him court me away and fly atop Archdragon Peak
#2-HIGH LORD WOLNIR
Now you may be asking yrself “Tomas?! A skeleton?! #2?! Haven’t you been talking this whole time how gross kissing the undead is!!!” and yr goddamn right I did say all of that and I’m not backing down. However the reason he’s so high is because of his drip. Look at these bracelets and crown. If I give this dude the best night of his life, slide into that will, whenever he dies off yr boy is gonna come up on a gang of treasure and at the end of the day I am a materiel girl
#1-LOTHRIC, YOUNGER PRINCE/LORIAN, ELDER PRINCE
This was always going to be the top spot when I started writing this because there is no world where Lorian isn’t the top Dark Souls hunk. Maybe even ever? We aren’t concerned with that sickly little brother for all I care he can lay on that bed and watch me fuck his older brother. Lorian has everything going for him. He’s got one of the coolest armor sets in the game, coolest sword in the game, long black silky hair with the pale skin, and an undying loyalty to taking care of his pathetic weak brother. You put this together and you’ve got the knight of yr dreams who’s willing to die atop Lothric Castle for you
I’m not sure why you wasted yr time reading this poorly put together list but thanks for doing it. Maybe one day I’ll return to blogging about apples. Maybe one day I’ll list more bosses by their kissability. Maybe I won’t ever return to this god forsaken website and I’ll finally kill myself
Think the list sucked? Tell me @seektheoldblood or don’t that’s fine too
