My Terrible, Tiny Tale

Chintan Ruparel / @TheThirdAlphabet,

Do you remember me?

I once asked my friend to ask you if you remember me. I told her to ask in a way that isn’t suspicious. Maybe to ask in casual conversations. I told her to bundle my name with others so you don’t get alarmed. And she came back to me and told me that he barely remembers any name from that list, let alone mine. She told me that you told her that you very truthfully have bad memory and that you’re always lost in thought. You don’t remember.

How I envy you!

But I believe you.

I don’t think I was sexually molested, assaulted or harassed by you. Others may see it that way. Others may shout at me and tell me that I was assaulted and that I have the responsibility to file a complaint and that what happened does come under harassment or assault. But it doesn’t feel like that to me. I can’t help it that it doesn’t. It’s not because I don’t want to put our incident there and dilute the words or the movement. It’s because it doesn’t feel like that to me.

There were misunderstandings between us. And for someone who was trying to become a writer, I was bad at communicating my thoughts. And some of the faults were mine.

I should have been more stern. I should have been louder. I should have known what the situation meant and avoided them. I should have said ‘no’ the first time rather than ‘sorry’.

Had I said a loud ‘no’, I believe you would have listened. You would have apologized, worn your clothes and left.

But I didn’t say it. And you didn’t leave.

I hope that the reasons why you don’t remember me are that I am not that remarkable and that you forget. I hope it isn’t because there are others like me and the others are too many to remember.

You came to my city to conduct a Terribly Tiny Tales’ writing workshop. I have always been a fan and was one of the first to buy a ticket from my class! “TTT IN MY CITY!” “THE CHINTAN RUPAREL IN MY CITY!” You came and I was in awe of you! It was like meeting my hero. I called you Chintan Sir and you told me not to. You even praised my piece and asked me to submit it to ttt. You said it could work for Cornetto! I still remembered so much of your writing by heart! And you showed us how you arrived at them. After the workshop, some of us showed you around the city and you were so funny with your jokes and puns. One by one, the others left but I didn’t. I felt special. You spoke differently with me! And before I know it, we are in your room drinking red wine.

I told you about the boy I was seeing and you told me about your divorce.

The signs were all there and I could see them and they made me uncomfortable. But I didn’t do anything! I thought we would talk a little longer and I would leave. I didn’t want anything more!

I thought we were talking about Scotland when you kissed me on my neck. You were so sudden that I didn’t even see you come and kiss me. You never asked me. And I never said yes. I was frozen! I didn’t know what was happening or what I should do or say! I wanted to do something! I wanted to say something! I couldn’t. I don’t know why the first word out of my mouth was ‘sorry!’

You said that it was okay. But you didn’t stop.

You continued kissing me and you held me very tightly. And I remember that it hurt!

When I felt your tongue in my mouth and I could taste you and the wine, I realised how drunk we were.

I know so many women who would be jealous that I spent the night with The Chintan Ruparel. They would die to swap places with me. But I am dying to swap places with them too.

By the time you were struggling to unhook my bra, the kiss stopped. There was a pause and I wanted to slap you! I wanted to run away. I didn’t. I just went with it. I don’t know what happened to me. I think about that moment a lot. Not by choice. It’s involuntary and unwanted! But I think there was a part of me that wanted it. And the rest of me went with it. I hate that part of me and the rest of me now. But I agreed and it was mutual beyond that.

You did nothing wrong. It really was mutual after that.

But I feel disgusted with myself.

You were very bad and aggressive in bed after that. When it hurt and I whispered you to stop, you just slowed down instead for a while.

It was the worst night of my life.

And I don’t know what to do any more.

This will sound terrible:

But sometimes I wished I was raped instead. At least then I would have someone else to blame.

I’m tired of blaming myself.

But I know you’ve wronged and broken me. And I want you to know it too.

Chintan, you need to know what the two together of us ruined for me forever.

I hate jokes now. I can’t stand puns and there was a time I would love them. I won’t get a tattoo. I don’t drink wine. I hate the word “sorry” because it makes me want to cry. I will never travel to the UK. And I don’t want to become a writer in my life. This is the last thing I am writing. And this took everything from me.

Remember how you told me that you are most proud that Terribly Tiny Tales gives birth to say many writers? Well, it also killed one. I hope you remember this.

Chintan sir, I don’t want anything from you but the truth. I don’t even know how much you are at fault and how much is all in my head! But if you can, please just come clean.

1. Just admit that the first kiss was unfair and wrong. I know I didn’t ask for it or agree to it. This is destroying me.
2. Admit that you used your power and position and company wrongfully.
3. Admit that your divorce has left you sick and broken. I could see it that night.
4. Admit that you need help. Then go and get it.
5. If there were other cases, please admit to them. I can’t really describe it. But if you apologised to me before I wrote this, it would feel like nothing and a whole lot all at once. It helps and doesn’t at the same time and it makes no sense.

I don’t even know what that will do. I have already forgiven you. And I am on the way to forgive myself. No matter how long it takes.

For those who will ask for proof, which everyone should, just ask Chintan sir. I have nothing else to offer. I know he remembers now. And I believe he won’t deny any of it.

I know him. And I trust him to tell the truth.

Chintan sir, please don’t contact me to apologize. I won’t be able to take it.

Just let me be. I don’t want anything to do with this anymore. Please! I need to heal.

Just please try and get better.

I’m so sorry I put everyone reading this through this.

Writing this took me my entire life since that night. But I know it was important for me.

If you’ve been through something, please try and speak about it. Take as long as you need. I feel horrible but slightly less than before. And trust in people. Most of them help in ways you can’t even imagine or believe. Please if you’ve been through this with him or anyone else, let the world know. Whenever you are ready, just please let the world know. Not for the consequences but for yourself.

The world needs this movement.

Purple Rose