Hope (lessness)
I am troubled by all the bad things I can spot. I suffer from all of them. They are inside me and they are around me, outside, in this world. Through all of the days of getting conscious of my own morality and drawing conclusions of all the conversations and interactions going on, I have gotten somewhat adept at noticing all of these bad things. When it comes me reacting to situations, in the moment, they come out of me. It is only after the moment has passed do I see all of it. Now I believe firmly that good or bad doesn’t exist but in my head it isn’t so. In my head, I am confused and from that confusion stems my indecision. My morality hasn’t been eradicated yet, simply because my beliefs haven’t given me a solution. (Maybe they never will.) But I can tell you where they led me though and that is, exactly nowhere. To me, right now, hardly anything means anything, every action meaningless. I’ve still got that will to live and fighting the pain which every moment of reflection brings upon me. It’s the meaningless, that nothingness which hurts me the most. When I’m busy living on auto-pilot, doing all the things you do to distract yourself from the ghost standing right next you, I too can ignore it. But, it doesn’t last long. In my background, I am aware of its presence which brings my attention to it every sometime, and once again I am paralyzed, bound to it completely, as it plays with my gates of logic, bringing each weight down to same level, once again rendering me indecisive. I’m tired and am clinging on to whatever hope I can cling. That maybe after all this, my body will adjust. That maybe, I’ll be able to ignore it. Or maybe it’s a phase that will eventually pass. But, if that hope doesn’t somehow materialize into something real, well I don’t know what I’d do.