Crossdressing LITE
CIS men wearing androgynous clothing
The perspective of a gender nonconforming guy who sometimes prefers and enjoys wearing androgynous clothing that is neither clearly masculine nor clearly feminine in appearance.
This is the perspective of a healthy, fit, masculine male. A long-married, baby boomer. A career professional. A straight guy who is attracted to other men. Any of these characterizations or others might be used to describe me and other men who choose to wear androgynous clothing that might have been made for or is marketed to women.
The terms I have coined are underdressing, or flex dressing.
This could apply to a lot of different attire, depending on who’s wearing it, where they’re wearing it, and who notices, if anyone notices at all. Broadly speaking, I am referring to what may be, or may simply be mischaracterized as “women’s clothing”. Short shorts, leggings, swim bikinis, camisoles, bralettes, panties, a bodysuit, or pretty much any other garment that’s of a color, print or style that you might be more likely to find in a woman’s closet or clothing drawer than in a man’s.
I am referring here to men like me who aren’t questioning, confused or unhappy with their assigned gender. Guys who aren’t crossdressers, don’t struggle with gender dysphoria, aren’t transgender, and don’t use a femme pseudonym. Some may believe that men who relate as just a guy who wears panties is a closeted cross dresser or are in denial about their sexuality, but that’s not necessarily so.
Fetishist is one label that is sometimes applied, but even that doesn’t fit me or most of the men I am referring to because wearing panties isn’t just about sexual gratification, as fetishism is often defined. It is a personal preference. I chose my underwear for many of the same reasons as anyone else. For the design, style, comfort and a look, fit and feel that best suits me. Perhaps other guys like me fall somewhere on the LGBTQIA+ ‘spectrum’ but we seem to be in a category of our own.
I identify as gender nonconforming. It’s how I have come to understand my gender expression, traits, behaviors and clothing choices. Check out my Medium article, Gender Nonconforming — A Revelation.
Clothing as a subtle expression of gender is often veiled and misunderstood. Men and their significant other may simply be curious about wearing women’s clothing, including underwear. They might have some anxiety over it, or may be wondering about the prevalence of this practice. All of these are reason enough to explore, be informed about, and get comfortable with the topic.
Men who wear women’s underwear out of preference or desire may be different, but as I have learned from experience, research, and inquiry they are more common than many realize. We may be different, but we are not alone. And like all people, they appreciate affirmation and connection with others who share their preference and interests.
Many wrongly assume straight, masculine men do not or would not wear woman’s underwear (variously called panties, knickers, undies or underpants), believing only effeminate males, cross dressers, or a transgender woman would. That is incorrect. Wearing women’s underwear is not necessarily determinate of an ‘alternate’ lifestyle, of a psychological issue, an unfulfilled sexual desire, or a matter of questioning one’s gender identity.
Native Aboriginal cultures might refer to such a man as a “2-spirit” — a person who was straight, bi, or gay, and manifests both feminine and masculine energies and traits. A newer term, stemme, is defined as someone whose gender expression is both masculine and feminine. This allows for a range of expression and may be relatable to many reading this. Check out the It Gets Better Project
All people have feminine and masculine energies and traits, and some express them differently or more strongly than others. My choice of attire, whether it’s underwear or other clothing some may view as feminine, is such an expression.
As a married guy, I am thankful my wife is okay with my preference for panties and other relatively androgynous feminine clothing. Since we have been together, she has known that my underwear was unconventional and more daring than what many men would wear, so when she first noticed that I had started wearing women’s underwear it was no big surprise. We both adapted to it. She is sometimes complimentary or even playful when seeing what I’m wearing, much like a man in a relationship with a woman might be about her lingerie. Though she may not embrace my affinity for wearing women’s underwear as heartily as I would like, and is anxious about others finding out, I appreciate she doesn’t object. I am one of the lucky ones.
The prevalence of this choice — preference, affinity, predilection, fetish — however you want to label it, is not well documented. Little academic literature exists on the topic. Scientific or academic papers or books on the subject are almost nonexistent. Few people have any awareness or understanding of the difference between men who discretely wear women’s underwear (and occasionally other lingerie or women’s clothing) and cross dressers who strive to emulate women; complete with makeup, wigs and elaborate feminine attire. It is an important distinction, and I’ve learned, even a bit of a divide.
Even though a secret to almost everyone at the film premier party, it was fun and exhilarating wearing a red satin panty and, faintly visible under a pale, pink shirt, a white camisole!
Every man is unique, and accounts about how they came to make this choice are just as varied. My preference for wearing panties rather than underwear a man is “supposed to wear,” came about in a very logical, practical way. From the time I started buying my own clothes I always preferred fashion underwear for men, oftentimes in fabrics and styles resembling women’s. Curiously, there seemed to be more variety available to men when I was in my teens and 20’s than today, forty years later.
About twenty years ago, I discovered that women’s underwear in unisex styles — basic black, knit panties — were more affordable, and to any casual observer looked no different than what I typically wore everyday. In the years since, I have explored and enjoyed the wide variety of fabrics, styles, colors, and patterns. With time, my choices became more recognizable as women’s underwear and a more evident expression of my feminine side. As any woman knows, the variety to choose from is endless, and the choices available to men are paltry by comparison; unless you include the expensive, alternative styles some refer to as “manties”. Admittedly, I have a selection of underwear that is beyond practical — something my wife still reminds me of in a good-natured way.
More recently, I have started wearing leggings, athleisure wear, camisoles, and other feminine garments that are androgynous and usually indistinguishable as male or female clothing to most people. This evolution in feminine attire hasn’t driven me toward crossdressing or the belief I am transgender, and I don’t feel as if it ever will.
Allowing a subtle glimpse of my lingerie, the faint outline of a camisole under a light colored shirt, or a peek of my panty over the waistband of my jeans are the most overt display of my clothing preference.
In the culture and times I grew up in, and still today, it is considered unmanly, or worse, to notice another guy’s underwear. Since there aren’t men’s lingerie parties like women used to have, and perhaps still do, there are few opportunities for men to compare notes, or share this affinity with others. In a way, we remain invisible.
Naturally, because there is some degree of anonymity, the internet has become one of the few places men can share their experience with others. Even though online groups like those found on Flickr, Tumblr or MeWe are poor substitutes for a meaningful, respectful, open exchange of thought, they do make it clear we are not alone, and remain one of the few sources of affirmation.
Correspondence and discussion online remain guarded, and men are keenly aware of the need for discretion. Faces are seldom shown, and people reveal little about their true self until comfortable they wouldn’t be outed. As with other issues of gender expression, the fear of being criticized, ridiculed, bullied, or losing a job is very real. Some don’t even share their choice with wives or girlfriends, and somehow manage to keep secret an entire wardrobe of lingerie. If that’s the case, they are both at a loss.
Other than online I have shared what remains a curious preference, even for me, with very few others. My wife of course, a few friends, a sibling, my massage therapist, an old college friend are among the few I have confided in. All have been accepting and affirmed my choice. It was no big deal. I’ve grown comfortable wearing panties in the presence of my medical providers and in men’s locker rooms — a couple barriers that took a while to overcome. Only recently has anyone ever taken notice, and their reaction was encouraging. Still, part of me wishes it were not a closely held secret, known by so few, and was something I could share more openly.
While LGBTQ support groups abound, crossdressers once had Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self), and there is a Meetup group for just about anything, I have yet to find a similar support or affinity group for men who aren’t crossdressers, and who seem to fall somewhere between a pink (feminine) and blue (masculine) existence — at least in terms of how they prefer to ‘underdress’.
It is important to understand this as a personal choice which harms no one. It’s not illegal and not psychologically abnormal, though if suppressed by oneself or others, depression or anxiety may result. A well-informed individual who was with Tri-Ess once pointed out to me that it is perhaps because of its invisibility that so little research or writing on the subject exists.
It is ironic in today’s culture of openness about sexual and gender identity and other lifestyle choices, that young and older men with whom I share this affinity are still so much in the shadows when it comes to ‘the gender’ of our underwear — which of course have no gender.
If tomorrow you learned that a guy you are acquainted with, know well or perhaps love was wearing women’s underwear under their jeans, what would be your reaction? Surprise, bewilderment, shock, disgust, or maybe even worry? None of these reactions are warranted. Any guy, of any sexual identity, ethnicity, age, religion, nationality, or profession might make this choice. Like everyone they simply want to be happy being themselves and to enjoy the acceptance of others.
Compliments and kind, encouraging or affirming words are always appreciated.
