How My Stepdad Became My Stepbrother and Stole America’s Thunder

Okay, lemme start here: Dr. Katarina was stunning and beyond my intellect by miles. Needless to say, I loved her but she was more of a mentor than a lover. She let me propose to her and call her Kat. She said ‘yes’ to me despite my faulty financial baggage.

On the evening of America’s Birthday, a buck naked stranger named Rod parachuted onto our roof with a bottle of Champagne, a bright red bow tie, and beautiful blue eyes.

His beautiful nude figure was back-lit by the exploding white lights of the Muncie Central High School fireworks display.

He leapt off the roof, and dive rolled up to my fiancee Kat presenting a diamond, proposing to her on one knee.

I’ll never forget he was wearing those awful toe-shoes for “traction in life”:

There I was, along with the whole community, staring at the fourth largest Blue diamond in the world — It was damn near the size of my………….pride.

He didn’t bother to put it in a band because it was too big and raw; he’d dug it out of the ground himself in The Democratic Republic of Congo.

Mine was from Target.

The neighbors all filmed the scene as my fiancee said “OH, HELL YEA” without a beat.

Immediately, on the porch, they “started on a family”, it wasn’t hilarious.

After that, Rod walked right to up me. He was tall, naked and proud, he shook my hand and said, “I hate to be the “bad news guy”, but I’m here to claim your house.”

I guess, I shoulda started this story when I went bankrupt, but you’ll just have to believe me.

Our house was several months defaulted and we couldn’t afford to move to a smaller place. I hated getting those notices.

Rod and my fiancee birthed seven children within 4 years. We had no idea if the first child was mine or Rod’s, but all the other kids were pretty obvious right out of the womb, with their beautiful skin and impressive genitalia.

Dr. Kat and Rod convinced me to live with them “until their wedding”. After that, Rod was going to give me my house back to make up for stealing my life away.

All I really wanted was my son, so that was a nice perk.

Things got confusing, because I allowed Rod access to my bank accounts to make deposits. He added me to his insurance policy and did what he could do to improve my credit, but I still bought a lot of Wendy’s on my secret credit card.

**Ya know how you first meet someone under crazy circumstances, and it seems like all their craziness is consequence of that night? But then you find out they’re like that all the time?

That’s how it was with Rod. I assumed the parachute was why he was naked. But, the guy didn’t like clothes. He was naked all the time, in the house and in public, and he got away with it. Most people say “I don’t blame him.” Even the cops say that.

I mean, he was clean, he took showers with my ex-fiancee, but he was always naked and it bothered me.

I took a swing at him after breakfast one morning at my mom’s. He was nude, I connected and gave him a concussion. It felt good, but my mother was ashamed of me. She knocked me out and I received 3 concussions: 1. From the hammer. 2. From my head hitting the table. 3. From my head hitting the floor.

She took off my shirt and placed it over Rod’s nude private parts just before the police arrived to take me to jail for 6 months for aggravated assault, which turned into 13 months for getting my ass whooped every day and staying on my own.

Thinking about my son was the only thing that got me through.

13 Months was just enough time for Rod to fall in love with my beautiful mother as well.

They married and birthed 2 amazing step brothers to me. Or Half Brothers, whichever way makes more sense.

My first and only alleged son picked me up from jail the day I was released. He looked a lot like Rod, and he was naked. He hugged me. I threw up. It was the 4th of July.

He took me home, where my mother and Rod were making love on the kitchen table. I threw up again, just as the Muncie Central Fireworks began.

Then I started grilling for them. I felt worthless and lazy, especially with the 3rd concussion hindering my motor skills, so I decided to support Rod, and his family however I could.

Somehow it was nice, that evening, grilling out, watching the fireworks and not being in jail.

To this day, he gives me an allowance every week. He kinda owns me now.

I’m not comfortable, but then again, I’m not dead, ya know?