I used to be an ever-busy human. This, under society’s definition, categorized me as successful and productive. Yet, these labels were entirely erroneous, because while I seemed completely sane, my life felt like an undeviating race. I was so rushed and occupied, that I was losing myself in the process. I spent my whole 9th grade year running from one place to another, overcommitting and involving myself in billions of activities, truly believing that my achievements would prove my abilities as a person. Yet, why did I crave approval with such desperation? Why did I feel empty even though I tried to be the best version of myself?
Well, because sometimes, it’s easier to convince yourself that you’re on the right track than it is to leave pride drifting in oblivion and admitting you’ve mistaken. It’s easier to find excuses and distractions instead of facing your true fears.
That’s when I realized I was running away from my emotions. I had convinced myself that I was happy with my routine-based life, but wasn’t brave enough to wonder whether that was the life I wanted to have, whether that was what I genuinely felt. I was distracting myself from the problems swimming in my subconscious which were slowly stealing my rationality through academics and superficial worries. In the past, I had been so used to being let down and living up to others’ expectations, that I didn’t want to keep on drowning in overwhelming emotions.
Yet, by living under my protective bubble, I was blind to the truth that in order to feel intense happiness I had to experience fierce, self-devouring pain. Why? Because that’s the only way we can truly appreciate and understand the beauty of life’s contrasting events.
Not only was I neglecting the truth, but I was also leaving everything and everyone I loved behind because it was easier to focus on tasks that didn’t involve emotions. I wasn’t allowing myself to experience my adolescence… I wasn’t allowing myself to fail.
So, I decided that it was time to face the beast that was slowly taking my sanity, which I ironically got to meet while I was facing the mirror.
Even though opening the doors to all kinds of emotions was tremendously painful, it filled my veins with electricity and made me feel alive. This bittersweet feeling was completely alien, yet its complexity made me feel human. I started living each experience to the fullest and absorbing all of the lessons it meant to teach me. Now, when I suffer, my whole soul crumbles… leaving deep, everlasting wounds which echo and warn me when I’m about to commit the same mistakes again. But when I love, I love in a way that is so passionate and pure, that my heart no longer feels mine but feels one with the immensity of the sea… it’s too crazy to describe.
Yes, it’s easier to ignore our problems and fill our agendas until our hearts become numb. But, life is not truly lived until you let yourself feel.
And that’s the secret…. feeling, and feeling deeply.
Feeling in a way that your world turns upside down and everything seems senseless. In a way that your heart turns wild and tries escaping your body each time it feels it has found its home…. in a way that your smile’s warmth has the power of melting cold, rigid hearts. This is how you’ll profoundly live. Stop escaping.