Day 3 of the 20430 Writing Challenge: I Hit a Rough Patch and Relapsed

The ability to admit I need help has always been easy for me. I can thank the parts of myself that know when I need it.

The Build Up

I spent 1 week in the hospital and 2 in recovery after discovering something was wrong with my ovaries and going through an invasive surgery. During that time, I spent my days in my head, barely eating, and not being able to walk. I was so weak I allowed myself to slip into a rough mental state. I saw my weight go from 115 to 105 in the span of that time. It sucks to admit that it felt good to be skinny again, even though in the back of my mind I knew where those thoughts were leading.

The Action

It was a Friday morning and by that point I was drained. Every part of me was in mental disdain. I had a hefty lunch that left me bloated, and I took one look in the mirror and knew what I was going to do next. I threw up my meal. I choose to do it.

What Now?

After a week of feeling shame and continuously starving my body I admitted to it. I told my partner and I just cried, not because I felt guilty, but because it felt so good to finally admit I needed help again. I’m going to start a new therapy process, and I’m going to get better. I must and I want to. My addiction will not become me ever again.

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