The Power of Vulnerability and How it Can Save You from Heartache
In an earlier post, I talk openly about my paranoia of being cheated on by my husband. Only for my fears to backfire and perpetuate a harsh reality. But the process of sharing exposed me to a flood of comments and messages from people who praised me for being courageous. These were people who suffered from unbearable pain having been cheated on, and were previously afraid to admit it. There were also the cheaters who confessed their admissions to insecurity, and they explained how my words made them realize their own part. Some were individuals in a loving relationship, who realized their insecurities could cause a similar outcome, making them thankful for my share. The theme they all shared was that they were thankful for my courage to be vulnerable.
Exposing my vulnerability to others has helped me gain self reflection and learn from my experiences in a more profound manner. And writing about it is my process of solidifying my lessons and regaining my identity, because otherwise what does all of this pain serve? If I can’t help others through this, I will continue to be revengeful, angry and unable to move onward. As a result of being vulnerable, I have connected with other enlightened, whole hearted human beings.
But beyond what it does for me — it has served wonders for those around me too.
Why does it take vulnerability for people to feel more connected to us?
I remember the moment I ran into my mothers arms, so afraid that she would reject me for the truth I needed to admit. She fell into me, saying I seemed dead inside and she had never seen me so fragile. At that moment I was no longer afraid to share with her or anyone else who I trusted, what I had been going through. I had nothing to be afraid of — shit, I had been going through hell alone!!
Those who I confessed my vulnerabilities to allowed me to admit my pain and what I was going through, without throwing someone else under the bus. To open up about why I wasn’t my normal self, without falling to my knees begging for help. I didn’t always do it with the most grace. But after each time I shared even the skim of my vulnerable surface, I was immediately met with understanding and the other individual’s story of their own heartache and pain.
Vulnerability Means Business
After some time getting used to my new normal, I was confident enough to approach my colleagues and clients whom I trusted. This was one of the single most influential things I did for our business in the most recent years. I can remember distinct moments sitting with clients over lunch and being terrified to expose to them what I was going through. Their reaction was always met with loyalty and a deep conviction to help pull me, and my team, out of the worst moments of our career. Last years’ and this years’ success is a result of their heartfelt loyalty.
Connection is why we exist.
The ability to feel connected is one of the reasons my life coach says he exists. Shame is understood as the fear of disconnection — is there something about me, that makes me unworthy? Am I not good enough? The shame of my own part in my reality was strong enough to make me want to hide what I was going through. But in order to combat shame, we need to be fully seen. Deconstructing shame requires the strength to be vulnerable about who you are and the mistakes you make as a human being. I’m ashamed of my past. I don’t understand how I missed the things he did; was I desiring a fantasy life that made me ignore the reality? How did I let my life be a lie that I had no idea he was constructing? I struggled with am I good enough to be loved? Am I worthy of an honest, open relationship? Did I cause where I am in my life?
In the aftermath of my failed marriage, I’ve met many whole hearted individuals who have a high level of self worth. They are people who know their value and what they bring into this world. They see clearly what connects them to their own value system;
- what they choose to spend their time on
- who they are willing to invest in
- and believe in themselves while they’re doing it.
These high self worth people have the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then with other people. As a result of their authenticity, they have real connections with others. Embracing vulnerability was the only way to get to this place. Their faults and mistakes made them courageous enough to accept that of others. The willingness to be vulnerable first, without guarantees, gave them the fundamental ability to connect.
