My first relationship

I am an intern at AIIMS New Delhi, and about to join AIIMS Delhi as a resident in the department of psychiatry.

I am what people typically call a nerd; used to be a topper in school, cracked all major competitive exams with decent ranks and was doing fairly well in medical school. I had crushes on a few girls, but I used to suppress them. This was one of the reasons why I was single till internship, but then I met someone special.

During my rural posting in a village PHC in May 2019 (primary health centre), I met her. She was a resident, around 4–5 years senior to me. We used to talk in mess (I called her ma’am initially), and she came to my room sometimes to discuss her experiences in the village. Within 4–5 days, I developed a really strong crush on her, the intensity of which was unmatched. She had a sweet tooth, and I used to bring sweets for her. However, I had to leave for SDH Ballabgarh after two weeks on 14th May. I was sad.

She however used to send me whatsapp messages sharing her photographs with villagers and animals and her experiences. I had set up a custom notification for her, so that I don’t miss her messages (I was preparing for my PG entrance, and I didn’t check notifications frequently). We chatted daily, and I had to change my sleeping time for her as she used to sleep around 12:30. We used to meet during parties and she used to spend more time with me. Once we discussed about the lack of human touch and at the end of the discussion, we hugged each other.

Her birthday came in the last week of May. She is a vegetarian, and people at PHC weren’t able to arrange an eggless cake for her. As soon as I came to know about it, I arranged an eggless cake and went to PHC to celebrate her birthday. She was really happy and hugged me again.

After a few days, there was a party at SDH Ballabgarh where I invited her. Others were enjoying while we were sitting inside the library and chatting. Suddenly she asked me out of the blue ,” Do you have a crush on me?” I sheepishly said ,”Yes”. She said,”Lag hi raha tha” (I thought so).

She told me that she loved me, but wasn’t sure about the nature of it. She wasn’t sure whether we were compatible, but I thought we were. We had a detailed talk after that about our feelings for each other and it turned out that our feelings were platonic. We decided to enter into a platonic relationship.

In the next month, we used to meet each other whenever we were free. We talked about our goals, our hobbies etc. We used to go out for movies and food frequently. Whenever she had a leave, she used to meet me. Our relationship was slowly metamorphosing towards the romantic end of the spectrum.

In July, both of us were back to AIIMS. Living in the same campus, we were able to spend more time together now. I had to reduce spending time on unnecessary things, so that I could study for PG entrance and spend time with her. She occasionally had doubts about the future of the relationship, but I was able to reason out her instincts.

Around mid-August, I was sure that my feelings were romantic. I communicated the same to her, and she wasn’t sure whether she had the same feelings, but she wanted to come closer to me. Our lives were going well, and we were happy together. I quit the non-veg for her.

In September, she became serious about the relationship and wanted us to commit to each other. She discussed her insecurities, her expectations from her husband. We talked about it and I was ready to do so. I was happy earlier too, but then I reached the top of the world. She gave me a lot of gifts on my birthday (18 September). There was a weekend where we watched three movies in three different theatres and ate at two different outlets.

On First October, she was leaving for Ballabgarh for a period of 16 months. We had discussed about how we’ll meet during her rural posting and hence were spending a lot of time together. Just a day before her departure (30th September), she announced that she wants to be single. I was shocked! We never had a fight during four months of relationship, and we were enjoying so much just a few days back.

She had two reasons:

• She didn’t love me as much as I loved her, and her love wasn’t really romantic and she was feeling guilty for that.
• She thought that we were incompatible. Our core principles weren’t the same, at least at that time.

We broke up on the midnight of first October on phone. Within minutes of breakup, I talked to a senior about how to go forwards. He asked me to focus on my PG entrance exams scheduled in November. I was initially numb for a couple of hours and went to sleep. When I woke up, I was sad. I started crying and went to my friends. I met my ex at night and we parted our ways amicably. I informed her that I was blocking her till December to focus on my exams. I developed Acute Stress Reaction and cried for the next few days in front of my friends. It was difficult for me to stay in my room where I had so many memorable moments. I took help from a psychiatrist, friends who had experienced similar things earlier and read ‘How to Fix a Broken Heart’, a book by a psychologist named Guy Winch.

Slowly I started studying again. My studies and postings were back on track, but I had her thoughts during night and while waking up. I immersed myself in studies so that I didn’t have free time to think about her. Around a week before AIIMS PG entrance exam, I started feeling stressed again but I was able to watch videos and I took the exam on 17th November. Now was the time to relax. I went back to home, watched a few anime and started to work on my weight. I started missing her more, however, as now I had a lot of free time as I didn’t have to study 8–10 hours a day. I unblocked her in a few days, but didn’t send any message. After the result of the exam came, I was relieved partially after getting a decent rank. My ex messaged my friend to congratulate me as she didn’t want to disturb me. After the celebrations, I started studying for the next exam, PGIMER. I, however wasn’t able to study and left studying. Just two days before exam, I watched the videos of previous year questions and went to take the exam on 30th November.

I messaged my ex in December that I wanted to meet her. She met me after two weeks. We talked for hours in my room about how both coped with the breakup, how our lives had been in the past two and a half months and about our careers. She had fared better than me because of her previous experience in dating, and also because she didn’t have another stressor of exam like me. She is a great person and I am glad that we were able to discuss it out maturely.

I have accepted it and am faring well. I still miss her a lot, but I am sure that my wounds will completely heal with time.