A Stream of Consciousness From Another Anxious Mind

So now I’m here. Waiting for his battle in my head to end or go away, for the love of god just disappear. I’m at this point in my life where I don’t know who I can and cannot trust. Which leaves me not trusting anybody… even myself. This internal war has done nothing but make me think that I belong in a nut house licking windows and chewing on checkers. I’m five steps away from being fitted for me gray bathrobe and slippers, and I won’t make it in a place like that. I’ll be stuck in an endless spiral of crazy. You see, I can’t tell people what’s really going on in my head, or that’s where I’ll wind up. I’ve told my doctor my fears of what will happen to the country if Trump or another republican gets elected, my fears of global warming and tidal waves, asteroids, and the sun just plummeting to the earth. But if I told her I thought there was some type of evil feeding off me, or that I thought that aliens were the cause of everything or the fact that I want these feelings to go away so badly I just want to die, I’d be locked up with the key thrown away. I was never someone to actually want to die. I’ve always been terrified of suicide. I’ve heard about it, I’ve seen it…not the actual act but a few years back my cousin took his life and it has to have been the most horrific thing to ever touch my family… no one’s ever quite been the same… But now with all the shrapnel flying around inside my head… I don’t know, it kind of sounds peaceful. I could never do it, I know that, but sometimes I wish I could. But those are the thoughts that lead to padded walls. And I don’t need the intervention of padded walls, strait jackets, and pills. I need somebody who’s able to read between the lines I’ve drawn, to tell me what’s really going on with me. 
 On the outside it all just looks like an overreaction to things that everybody worries about, but are able to block out and because of that I’m either left in the dark about a lot of shit, with the thought that I couldn’t handle the stress, or people think I’m making it up and just pile on the extra bullshit that no one should have to deal with.
 I have the family I left behind, the family that left me behind, and the family that is falling apart at the seams. My mother thinks that because shit isn’t going great for her everything between us changes. Everything she has put me through is just gone, blown away in the wind but it’s not. It will never just disappear. She thinks that by saying she knows she’s not perfect just negates everything, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. She has a way about her that isn’t flattering, charming, or mysterious, but its infuriating, annoying, and to be quite literal it’s manipulative. Everyone is either to cowardly or brain washed to question her ways, even more so now since I left. Since I left there has been a big bright light shined on her conniving ass.
 For as long as I can remember life has happened on her terms. My dad was never perfect, he still isn’t. I haven’t had a decent conversation with him in years. But my mother? My mother is a monster. A real life monster. Most of the things she has done aren’t that big of a deal if it was the one thing one time. This woman is relentless. She’s evil. She is evil in every sense of the word. She is out for herself, and only herself. She doesn’t care about anyone’s happiness but her own. It doesn’t matter what it is, if she doesn’t agree with something you want to do, she will throw every monkey wrench in her toolbox at you to make it so hard for you to accomplish anything, you already see yourself crashing and burning. You’re so discouraged half way through the torment, you just give up the fight. That’s unless you’re me. If you’re me, once you have your mind set on something you don’t let up. You stick to your stubborn loaded guns and do whatever it takes. That’s how I lived my life, I didn’t let anything get in my way. I had no fear, nothing scared me, consequences didn’t exist, anxiety wasn’t real to me, and nothing could touch me, especially not this bullshit monster called anxiety. Nothing got in my way of getting what I wanted, not my mother and most importantly not my own brain. But that’s what she does to you. She wears you down. She breaks you. She breaks your spirit, your drive. She takes it all away from you. She takes everything until there’s nothing left to you. Until you’re an empty shell of who you used to be, who you were before her whirling vortex of doom sucked it all out of you.
 At this point I’m just trying to rebuild. Rebuild who I was, rebuild my life to hopefully get back to where I was before everything that made me, me was ripped from me. I need to get myself back. I need my independence back. I would love my family back, but in the course of her twister she left behind a wreckage of them thinking I’m an addict. Being an addict does not make you a bad person. It is not an issue of morals. But the thing is, in the group of people that I come from they do not see it like that. Whether or not you have a problem, if you are even accused of something you are viewed as if you’re diseased, and they cut you off like a wart. It’s insane to me how I could come from a group as close minded as they are. I understand the whole, “you’re judged by the company you keep” thing, but my company is clean and is doing all he can do to keep it that way. The thing is your passed matters a significant amount more than what you are now to these people.
 I can’t say it enough, my mother is evil. To get what she want’s she will threaten you with anything she can think of that will kick deep. Everything she does is calculated down to a t. she will give you things but that is so she can later take it back just to get her way. It’s crazy. I know how it sounds. So many people have thought I was over exaggerating, making something out of nothing, but the people that have cared enough, and stuck around long enough to see her in action know that I am not crazy. 
When you’re living it you’re constantly having to watch your back. This is why I feel like I can’t trust anybody. My mother is a monster who I feel I don’t even know anymore, my fiancé, I don’t even know him anymore, myself, I don’t even know myself anymore. If you don’t know somebody how can you trust them? I don’t know if I’m okay anymore, I don’t know if I’m safe anymore, from myself, my mother, anybody. I don’t think anybody including myself has my best interest at heart. I can feel myself cracking. I can feel myself losing it. It’s like I’m on auto pilot, just going about my day, in the same cycle. Sometimes this feeling gets so intense I want to turn myself in. I want to leave when everybody’s at work and I’ll leave a note. I’ll leave a note so my fiancé will know it’s not his fault. I’ll let him know that my mother drove me to this insane state. I’ll let him know of my plans to walk to the closest hospital and tell them that I’m afraid of myself for myself. As soon as I get that far into the thought I start to realize that then I’ll be stuck there for at least 72 hours and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle that, but not only that crazy people don’t think they’re crazy. Crazy people won’t even entertain the idea of them being crazy. So I know I’m not crazy, but I am scared and I need help, but I’m probably going to say the wrong thing asking for help that I do get locked away and who knows how long that will be for?
My fiancé always thinks I over react, that I let my bad moments overshadow my good days. He just doesn’t understand. I can only imagine what it’s like to be with someone who has deteriorated into the shell of who they used to be. To be with someone who was so incredibly mentally strong and now can’t seem to hold it together long enough to actually have a good day anymore. I don’t want to go away, but I do want to get better. Maybe I’ll find an AA for people who can’t seem to get it together but aren’t addicted to anything… those steps have to translate over into all kinds of situations right? I mean he seems to think so. Days are too long for me right now, so I’ll take it one minute at a time for now.