Anxious Mixed Chick
Sep 3, 2018 · 5 min read

How Did I Get So Friggin’ Old?

When I was younger, I had an image in my head of what my life would look like as I got older. Of course, that image was not very accurate. I assumed that as I aged that life would somehow get easier, and I’d automatically just grow more content. I thought that at least I’d have the important things all figured out. Not even close!

I hoped that at some point I would stop stressing over money. It feels like I’ve been worrying about a lack of cash my whole life. When I was a child, there never seemed to be enough to go around, and as I progressed into adulthood things didn’t get much better. From the moment I started working my first job when I was in high school, I constantly languished over trying to save as much as I could for college.

Then it became how am I going to afford to raise my son on my own financially? It then turned into worrying about paying off that mountain of college loans that I incurred because I couldn’t save nearly enough from my little high school job as a cashier. And now, with about 25 years left until retirement, I am panicking about having enough money to live off of as a senior citizen.

In my youthful days, I paid little attention to my health unless I was sick. I ate with reckless abandon and exercised sporadically. Sugar and salt were my favorite food groups (they kind of still are). What I was putting into my body didn’t really register because I had a fast metabolism and wasn’t gaining weight, so I must be healthy right? Consistent exercise wasn’t all that important, and even now the only times I really stick to it is when I want to shed some unwanted pounds. At this point, I gain weight just by breathing and I need to pay attention to depressing things like my blood sugar and cholesterol levels.

Considering that my job can easily raise my blood pressure on any given day, I have to be more vigilant and watch what I eat. Being more active is also a priority. If I don’t change my lifestyle, issues will start to arise. My body feels like it’s breaking down at times. I get aches and pains much more easily and I always feel stiff. Tragically, my ability to digest hot sauce is even starting to decline. Why God, why?

I find that as I get older, the number of people who I would call “friend” is dwindling. I don’t have a lot of patience for superficial relationships anymore. There were times when I had plenty of “friends” who added absolutely nothing to my life, but it seemed like I was always doing favors for them. I’m now all about reciprocal relationships. I have a handful of close friends who I’ve known for years, and I don’t feel like a loser anymore if I’m not constantly out doing something. I don’t need to keep anyone around just because I don’t want to feel lonely. Having alone time has become increasingly necessary to maintain my peace of mind…or what little I have left of it.

I’d like to say that all my familial relationships have evolved, but sadly some of them haven’t. Circling back to the me with no patience thing, there are family members that I’ve made great effort to avoid because they are toxic and aren’t going to change. I know that there’s the whole “blood is thicker than water” saying, but it’s very possible for someone who is related to you to not have your best interests at heart. I see nothing wrong with getting rid of people like that. Plus, there will always be the opportunity to have “Jerry Springer” style confrontations over Thanksgiving Dinner.

I thought that by now I’d be married to a perfect husband with two perfect children and we’d all walk into the sunset together and lead a perfect pain-free life. Instead, I am a single mother hoping that marriage will be in the cards for me eventually. There’s got to be someone out there who is willing to put up with me forever! I’ve also learned that there are no perfect people, and that no one has a perfect life. How exciting is that? Everyone is a mess in their own unique way, no matter how old they are.

I expected that I would be such a calmer person when I was in my 40’s. Everything was supposed to be completely Zen and my problems would be minimal. That’s a negative. I still feel stressed out constantly. Each job that I work seems to be worse than the one before it. My son may be old enough to vote, but I feel like I’m worrying about him even more. It was one thing to get on him about his grades and thinking about his future when he was younger, but his future is already here, and he has no idea what to do with himself. I don’t know what to do with him either.

I perceive the world so differently now. I’m a lot more jaded and a lot more cautious. After years of coming across multiple people who only wanted to take advantage of me, I’ve learned to watch people’s actions, they are a lot more reliable than the words that I used to be easily impressed by.

In some ways, the current political climate and state of the world has made me feel very isolated from my fellow earth dwellers. Differences are highlighted a lot more than similarities. At times, it makes me feel hopeless, but since I don’t want to be the old cranky neighbor yelling at the local kids to stay off my lawn, I know that I need to find a way to connect more with other people. Even those that I don’t agree with. Being a bit more accommodating would bring us all closer to healing the wounds of the world. It was so much easier to socialize when I was sitting in the sandbox!

Getting older has certainly caused its share of problems. From gray hairs to cellulite, and those pesky kids with their loud music, it’s enough to make you want to eat some Jell-O and reserve your spot in the retirement home! I may have lost some of my childlike idealism along the way, but I’m alive and full of gratitude for all of the beauty that has presented itself in my life. I can’t wait to see what else is in store for me!

Anxious Mixed Chick

Written by

Anxious Human. Nerd. Poet. Blogger. Lover. Trying to bring balance to the Force. I publish every Sunday.

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