How To Critique

[Animisha and Siddharth are exiting a movie theatre. Siddharth looks happy, and Animisha is trying to adjust to the bright lights outside.]

Siddharth: So, what did you think?

Animisha: It’s a movie.

Siddharth: Yeah, but, what do you think they were trying to say?

Animisha: ’They’?

S: The director, the writer…

A: They were trying to say something?

S: Uhh… What do you think the movie means?

A: I’m still figuring out where exactly the director or writer said stuff.

S: It’s just a tool used to critique cinema and other f-

A: I mean, It was mostly the actors who said stuff. And that woman sitting next to me.

S: A woman?

A: She thought they gave her nachos without salsa because the movie was about poor people and that it was part of “the theme”.

S: What?!

A: Yeah, hasn’t she heard of Doritos? Or a rip-off?

S: No… you thought the movie was about poor people?

A: Well, it was about people. And they weren’t in the 1%. So…

S: Well, all movies are about… people.

A: So you’re saying I’m wrong?

S: We saw Whiplash! Miles Teller playing drums and-

A: Oh, right. Sorry. Miles is probably in the 1%.

S: Were you even watching?

A: Could you call it a musical? Because it was very musical.

S: It was not a musical.

A: Happy Feet!

S: Happy Feet?

A: A musical which is not about people!

S: What?

A: You said all movies are about people. Happy Feet isn’t.

S: It’s not a musical either.

A: I think, for me, the definition of a musical is very wide.

S: You can’t make up definitions!

A: Okay… then my opinion of musicals is very wide.

S: Is this the first time you’ve seen anything on screen?!

A: Oh please, I’ve been binge-watching Arrested Development since I was two.

S: Seems inaccurate but it explains a lot.

A: In my OPINION, this movie was a musical about poor people.

S: Please stop. You’re ruining the whole experience for me.

A: The whole experience?

S: Well, the food was good, and I thought the movie was good, too, until you ruined it.

A: I stole the lady’s salsa and put it on our burger. The food was only good because I made it good.

S: Oh my god.

A: And the movie was only bad because I made it bad.

S: Uh-huh.

A: So see you next Friday?

S: I uhh, y’know… I’m just… not…

A: What are you trying to say?… Oh! Hahaha!

S: Why are you laughing?

A: I asked what you were trying to say, which means I was critiquing your cinema.