How To Critique
[Animisha and Siddharth are exiting a movie theatre. Siddharth looks happy, and Animisha is trying to adjust to the bright lights outside.]
Siddharth: So, what did you think?
Animisha: It’s a movie.
Siddharth: Yeah, but, what do you think they were trying to say?
S: The director, the writer…
A: They were trying to say something?
S: Uhh… What do you think the movie means?
A: I’m still figuring out where exactly the director or writer said stuff.
S: It’s just a tool used to critique cinema and other f-
A: I mean, It was mostly the actors who said stuff. And that woman sitting next to me.
S: A woman?
A: She thought they gave her nachos without salsa because the movie was about poor people and that it was part of “the theme”.
A: Yeah, hasn’t she heard of Doritos? Or a rip-off?
S: No… you thought the movie was about poor people?
A: Well, it was about people. And they weren’t in the 1%. So…
S: Well, all movies are about… people.
A: So you’re saying I’m wrong?
S: We saw Whiplash! Miles Teller playing drums and-
A: Oh, right. Sorry. Miles is probably in the 1%.
S: Were you even watching?
A: Could you call it a musical? Because it was very musical.
S: It was not a musical.
A: Happy Feet!
S: Happy Feet?
A: A musical which is not about people!
A: You said all movies are about people. Happy Feet isn’t.
S: It’s not a musical either.
A: I think, for me, the definition of a musical is very wide.
S: You can’t make up definitions!
A: Okay… then my opinion of musicals is very wide.
S: Is this the first time you’ve seen anything on screen?!
A: Oh please, I’ve been binge-watching Arrested Development since I was two.
S: Seems inaccurate but it explains a lot.
A: In my OPINION, this movie was a musical about poor people.
S: Please stop. You’re ruining the whole experience for me.
A: The whole experience?
S: Well, the food was good, and I thought the movie was good, too, until you ruined it.
A: I stole the lady’s salsa and put it on our burger. The food was only good because I made it good.
S: Oh my god.
A: And the movie was only bad because I made it bad.
A: So see you next Friday?
S: I uhh, y’know… I’m just… not…
A: What are you trying to say?… Oh! Hahaha!
S: Why are you laughing?
A: I asked what you were trying to say, which means I was critiquing your cinema.