Assessing the Apocalypse #5
Pooping in Public
Nature cares not for where you are when she calls. Sometimes we’re at home, sometimes we’re out and about, sometimes we’re even sleeping. It’s always seemed odd to me that of all the great equalizers that make humans one regardless of race, class, or creed, our process of eliminating waste is surrounded by so much anxiety and shame.
Everyone remembers the kid who farted in class (Justin Clarke). Sure the guidance counselors probably told him we’d all forget in a week. But we didn’t; I didn’t. Not a single human being in that classroom was free of the “sin” that is passing gas, yet they put him in a stinky stockade for the remainder of the period. I could only sit by and idly watch this dude I was passing friends with get eaten alive. You see dear reader, this English period was right after lunch and I had a noxious bomb of my own that required detonation.
Poor Justin’s faux pas produced a “There, but for the grace of God, go I” moment that stays with me to this day. I used the commotion to excuse myself to a nearby restroom where I could relieve the built up intenstinal pressure in privacy. This “privacy” constitutes the subject of today’s review.
The public restroom is an abomination. For a civilized society to force its citizens to see each other’s shitting sneakers is an understated social harm. This wouldn’t be a problem in a normal world but given our established attitudes towards potty time most adults would probably rather wait it out than relieve themselves in a public restroom.
Many would cite the dearth of facility cleanliness and overall lack of public hygiene as their main deterrent but if you look deep into your heart of hearts you’ll find that the core of your reluctance is a reticence for strangers to hear and smell your tangy toots.
If we’re so put off by everyone’s bodily functions, why do we leave 2–3ft of open space above, below, and on the sides of stalls? Is this human sensibility brushing up against capitalist instincts to cut cost? What does it matter if you can just wait to get home? Assuming you have one to go to.
I give Pooping in Public a score 0 Squares to Spare out of 5.
Read the last review here!