I’m turning 30 in a few days

Getting old may be good and bad at the same time; it is something inevitable and may be rewarding even if things are not happening so nicely in your life.

Five years ago, I remember I wrote about numbers and my grandma when I turned 25. Now I am almost 30. I am getting older. Soon enough I will not be in all the lists and articles published almost daily — “101 things to do in your 20s”. I am feeling a bit old, that’s the truth, but that’s not really bad news. There are some good things that come with aging.

I grew. Not in size (at least not in height, but I have some kilograms that do not belong to me), but I naturally feel more mature. I am more patient and I am not putting too much expectation on others, or things, or anything. I am trying to find some kind of stillness, that I will be ok, no matter what. I already have been very frustrated, full of bitterness and sorrow, trying to achieve something that I believed. Seeking, almost blindingly. The result: I got sick. In the end I had what I was looking for, but did it pay off?

Today, it looks like I see things a bit clearer. I lost someone very close to me. It was very painful, but it gave me some kind of freedom. So, after all, things just end? Yes, things go. It was a shock of reality. You do all the stuff you do. You love. You work. You eat. Then, it ends. I already used to think like that. But what happened was very real; I felt it in my bones.

I am far from have a resolved life, at least in the traditional terms. I have not found a stable job yet or a nice girl, and I am still fighting daily with my hopes and dreams. It brings me a lot of anxiety. But I am trying not to feed the negativity and frustration. I am trying to think that there are some things that I believe and I am fighting for. I love music and science/philosophy. I do not really know what is going to happen in my life from here. But I will continue making music. I will continue making science. I will write. I will play. Perhaps, I will find next to the door some rewarding future.

Also, I have my family with me now and some very good old friends — that is truly important to define who you are.

To finish my post, I will leave the link of my last track, kind of crazy with some funk/groove in it, that is just like to be in the 30s.

The text was originally published in www.umquartoeumcafe.com in July.30.2015. The link available above is the address for my soundcloud channel. Thanks for reading! Any thoughts are most welcome.