Thank you so much for sharing your story and for opening up dialogue around this silent topic. As I approach the one year anniversary of my loss, I am reminded of all of the pain, guilt, and isolation of that time.
After our second child was born, my husband and I had decided we were “done”, but not long after my son’s second birthday, we found out that we were unexpectedly expecting once again. We were in shock, but quickly moved into acceptance and excitement. We planned on sharing the news with our families the following weekend.
However, I couldn’t shake the heaviness in my chest, the feeling of doubt. I told myself I was still just in shock, that everything would be fine (after all, everything was fine with the first two, why would this be different?). Still, to ease my mind, I took another pregnancy test a few days later, but only one line appeared. My husband ran out for more, and two lines showed, but barely visibly so.
The next morning, I bought two digital tests, needing to see the word, “pregnant.” “Not pregnant” both tests screamed out. My husband went back to the store for more. On the first, only one line appeared. We started to get our kids ready to go to my in-laws’ house. I went back to the bathroom to do one more test, and then, the blood came. I tried not to cry as I helped get the kids into the car, and when I re-entered the house alone, I felt very very alone. I went back into the bathroom and sunk to the floor as deep, primal sobs left my body. I eventually made myself flush the toilet (it sounds crazy, but I felt like I was flushing away my baby), and angrily threw the 10+ tests lining my bathroom counter into a bag and hauled them out to the can.
The next day, I saw my doctor, who confirmed what I already knew: “early miscarriage”…..”these things are common”….”it was nothing you did”…..
What surprised me was the amount of grief and guilt I experienced after. I was filled with thoughts like, “I hadn’t wanted another baby- was my fear/anxiety/panic what caused the miscarriage? Maybe if I had wanted it more from the beginning, this wouldn’t have happened….” And, because the pregnancy had been unplanned and the miscarriage early, I felt like I hadn’t “earned the right” to grieve or really share. Those whom I did share with often didn’t know what to say (which, I by no means blame them for- we don’t talk about these things in our society, so no one knows how!).
After tabling the conversation for a bit, we ultimately decided to add a third babe to our clan, which we never in a million years would have even considered prior to this. We are expecting her arrival just before Christmas. She is a true gift, indeed.
Thank you again for starting this conversation and creating a space to share. Best wishes to you on your journey. ❤️