Shit You Get Asked With Twins

So we have twins. A boy and a girl.

Right off the bat, it’s impossible for them to be identical, so stop fucking asking. Identical twins are literally that, identical (hints at private parts).

I remember one particular douchey old lady once stopped my wife and I when walking through a festival in the park. Our twins were a few weeks old and we were rocking our side by side bassinet stroller like a couple of bosses, when the old hag approached us.

“Beautiful!” she said with a child-like grin on her face.

“Thanks” we said in unison (my wife and I are so cute — teehee!)

“Are they natural?”

What. The. Fuck? No seriously — what the fuck is she asking us? I responded with a nod and a confused look at my face.

Then she literally breathed a sigh of relief. The kind of sigh of relief you’d breathe if a serial killer had a gun to your head and then suddenly let you go. After the long exhale she said “Oh thank heavens, natural twins are so much better”.

At this point I couldn’t do much else besides shake my head in disgust and walk away. I thought about punching her, but ultimately decided to forgo the quick jab to her jugular.

You would be surprised just how many goddamn people want you to convince them that they’re not aliens from another planet.

“Twins!? But do they run in the family?”

“Ya, sure.”

“But who’s side?”

“I don’t know, both of ours” (that oughta shut him up)

“But how far back, how many occurrences?”

“Are you conducting a fucking statistical analysis or something buddy? Move it or lose it, we came to Costco to get diapers, not to fill out a questionnaire on our twins asshole.”

Having a boy and a girl, the ultimate remark is “Oh my god, one of each, your family is complete now!”

I’ll tell you when our family is complete bitch. But ya who are we kidding, if you toss another kid into the mix I’m certain either my wife or I would die. If not by exhaustion, then by one of us killing off the other in frustration.

I will tell you one thing. People say the stupidest shit when it gets to pregnancies or new born kids. The stupidest shit.

And a public service announcement to anyone who will see a new mom or dad in the near future (or ever for that matter). Don’t give advice. Seriously, don’t. None of this shit that implies we’re doing something wrong, or we should be doing this instead, blah blah blah. Just bite your tongue, think of something nice to say and just fucking say it.

And yes, for the last time, of course we’re fucking exhausted!