when you sleep through your birthday

I woke up 7:47 this morning. I had plans to wake up at 5:30, pick-up the car I booked for 6 hours, and ring in my birthday with a solo hike. I had plans to wake up between 2:00 and 5:00 am too — to watch the Orionid meteor showers. The meteors are fragments of Halley’s comet. The next time she’s supposed to be visible from Earth is 2061.

I can’t help but hope I’m long gone by then. Not to make this read like a Thought Catalog piece, but the thing with depression is the first time around you don’t see it coming. The second time around, you see it coming but somehow it still manages to creep up on you. BAM! You’re right there again.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

I was lying in bed trying to figure out a gameplan, now that I recognized the opponent as being one I had played against before. Last time, my initial strategy hadn’t worked out so well: feigning normalcy, isolating myself, bottling up everything I felt (or the lack thereof), skipping class and meals, crying all day, only moving from bed to bathroom and back.

So I laid there thinking about all my different friends and family — who should I talk to about this? Before it gets bad again.

Should I call up one of my close friends? No they forgot my birthday, which is fine, it’s just a mundane birthday not a big one, but that means maybe I’m closer to them than they are to me so they probably would get tired of me complaining about this, which would make me even less appealing as a friend so that’s just creating a vicious circle, and also I wouldn’t want them to feel guilty, I mean it’s not like it’s intentional or maliciously intended, it just isn’t even a thought in the first place. Ok Miyafus what is “it” even? You really need to learn how to better articulate your thoughts.

Should I call up my brother? No I’m always unloading and unloading on him and not great at being that person for him in return, but he always has really helpful things to say, but it’s not like he ever checks in again after that, but also he’s not like our generation’s greatest communicator either, but still it’d be nice to know he thought of me every so often, but he’s also like the most caring person so does that even matter, i mean our relationship hasn’t ever been the most normal sibling relationship thanks to Fan, so he’s been a really great brother actually and a great person in general, but he probably wouldn’t get it, it’s just kind of weird.

Well it’s not like I can call my parents. Mom would feel guilty, and she already feels unnecessarily guilt about so many other things. She doesn’t need this added to it, she’d feel even worse.

I’ll make an appointment with a counselor. First thing Monday. I’m probably just being overdramatic though — or am I? I mean I probably am everyone else goes through the same shit, or worse and is thriving. This is ridiculous. How am I so dramatic!? I mean whatever I’ll make the appointment because even if I’m being dramatic it’s not like i’m doing an A1 job of handling it.

It’ll be fine.

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