A Confession of Reality to Myself…
Skom and Albish were alike in many ways, and differed too at the same time. While Eran was Skom’s sole buddy, Samh was Albish’s "chamcha", that’s what Eran would describe him to be. Skom loved Indian Culture and Heritage, while Albish seemed to love everyone, everything and every moment he witnessed. I have heard views and counter views from Eran (mostly) about Albish, while Skom never brought in "personal issues" and I rarely talked to Samh. Eran had been a temporary close friend of mine around October-Mid January’15. Albish was, surprisingly, the kind of man you’ll meet once in your lifetime - he would talk to you in such a manner as if you both had been buddies for ages, and as soon as you turn your back, he’ll forget you instantly. That’s what I admired in him. Even Skom had his unique qualities too. He had an exceptional interest for Cultural stuffs and alike. And his gift of the gab is seriously commendable. Well, people have a dark side. So did they.
Skom was egoistic, over smart, overconfident and couldn’t handle situations out of his hands. Also, he couldn’t stand upon those who were superior to him - and that’s Inferiority Complex; that’s irony, 'cause he was a Psychology student himself. And, he is too immature to understand the "so called" relationships, love and blah blah.
If you ask me to choose among those two, I would blindly go for Albish. Not only because I had a discreet infatuation on him, but because he was Pandora’s Box to me.
Well, the best people had the worst side. And he can be elected as the best example.
Honestly, Eran is "pet patla"- he couldn’t control himself from leaking out secrets to anyone, especially to someone like me, who was an expert in coaxing out secrets but respected its privacy; well, I’m a dangerous locker of secrets, and I never leak any until necessary. He told me on our 1st phone call that Albish was a bit of a pervert - he stared at girls inappropriately. Well, this was not that a big shock to me, for I was familiar with his sudden touches here and there, whenever we had met (the Sports Heats, or even at the Recitation Contest). But staring at a big busted girl at a metro station was being a total pervert indeed. Yet, that silent attraction I had towards him since 2014 hasn’t yet died out.
I wonder why.
I’d always have this fatal attraction towards men, about whom most people had mixed feelings. Well, my feelings were either positive or negative. Never neutral.
And for Albish, I had positive, infatuated, shy feelings. Yeah, though the adjectives are quite odd, I had’em. We talked once or twice in a year, yet this infatuation couldn’t fade out. I loved to talk to him. I eagerly wait for his messages, even now I do. And that green dot next to his name in my chat list was enough to manipulate my moods. His texts fetched me tempestuous joy and shyness, and his silence made me numb. I don’t know why. Even us being in the same stream was cloud nine to me. His writings mesmerized to me.
Well, I loved everything in Albish. He was the kind of person I search for, at least as a good friend. But I’m not that smart enough to confess that to him. I would ransack my brain to search for that topic which we both knew, especially something he knew well enough. But, I don’t want to win his heart! I just want to win his trust. Sometimes I ask myself, "Is he out of my league?" And these make me feel more anxious. I’ve never found a good friend in my life yet. I’ve been desperately searching for one, since I became a teenager. Skom was, astonishingly my first crush. No. I have put the words wrong. Skom’s first crush was I. And since then I’ve been pondering on how could I even fall for a guy like him? Albish is far better than him. Most of all, I understood Albish more than his classmates could.
Unfortunately, there's always a "but" in between. Did he even like me as a friend, or even an acquaintance? Did he even like to chat with me, or was it out of compulsion, or for the sake of chatting? My desperation always takes a toll on what I think. Though he never occupied my mind, I foolishly felt shy whenever I laid my eyes on his photographs. I'm not even bothered by his "undesirable side". According to me, he's the kind of a person you would do anything for to befriend him. Eran has told me enough about him and why he and Skom disliked him so much.
Yet, "infatuation" is blind.
I'm not yet sure if it is love.
I do not daydream about him. I do not think about him 24x7. Yet he remains in my mind. And his replies are always a surprise to me, come what may. He has even sent me a few articles of his, and trust me, you will love them too. His uniqueness was defined by his words themselves. They leaked out what he thinks, how he thinks it, and why he thinks so. At times I feel that he had struck me with an arrow of awe, or brought me under a dangerous spell from which I don't want to get rid of.
He hypnotized me from every possible way.
But, this is not a story of love, relationships, or infatuations. I pen down these words in search of hope, the hope of befriending him someday, sometime, till eternity.