Sleeping in an air-conditioned room will make you fat

Yes, you read that right! The most bizarre thing I have been told recently, by someone who knew my journey from start to date — “Sleeping in an air-conditioned room will make you fat”, amusing right?

All my life, all 25 yrs of my existence I have been told I am fat. Yes, I am an obese girl who weighs 100 kgs. I was told the same when I was 70kgs and even when I was a kid of just 10–12 yrs old.

In my life, there has always been at least one person who’ll crack a fat joke and I feel obliged to laugh with them. I know am fat, am walking around with it. And as I face this almost every day, I have developed this habit, that whenever at a new place around new people, I am always the first one to make a joke about being fat or about myself, well it hurts less when it doesn’t hit you out of the blue. I know it sounds ridiculous and by doing this I am letting these people feel okay about body shaming. But when you have been going through the same thing, year after year, you seem to find a temporary fix.

Though I have learned to walk around with confidence, have that sense of humor, laugh at these fat jokes and find comfort in my skin.

I’ll be lying if I don’t mention I have anxiety, depression, the number of times I have had suicidal thoughts and number of times I attempted it, the constant need for validation, stare into those eyes that look at my stomach, my thighs, my arms. When I walk into a cafe or restaurant and as soon as I place an order, I am being judged and theirs going to be atleast one person who’ll tell me that I shouldn’t eat this or who’ll say why am I eating healthy, if I dont plan on following it through the days to come.

Why does everyone think that they know what’s best for me and feel that it’s their birthright to give me permission on what should I eat and what I shouldn’t?

Okay, let’s boil it down to something basic I face a lot of issues with — a pair of jeans. The amount of money I have spent on jeans is bizarre. About 2–3 weeks back I bought a pair of jeans, might have worn it a couple of times a week. And guess what, the pair of jeans on which I roughly spent ₹1200, they ripped. I have these fat thighs and when I walk there is friction between them and jeans that I barely wore for 5–6 times, they freaking ripped and that too in office. I had to go out buy a stitching kit and stitch them. While commuting back home, they ripped again, and now I didn’t have a place to stitch them back. Luckily it ripped at a place that wasn’t visible. So I traveled back home, changing trains, my thighs are chafing, the pain is so much, that I don’t know how to put it in writing.

I know for some of you, this is too much information and probably something you don’t want to know. But I have gone through this for many years that I don’t remember the time I didn’t face this. And I am very sure people have gone through more embarrassing things than this. Anyway, I am not going to apologize for sharing this.

What amuses me is, In a country of billions where more than 10% of people are obese, imagine the number the problems they face. Imagine the adjustments they do to get through the day along with handling people’s opinions.

Also, why can’t someone come up with better jeans?

And why do people assume that fat person is fat by choice? I mean who likes being judged and go through this struggle every day? Haven’t people heard of Thyroid, PCOD, Eating disorders?

These constant judgments, they are so hard to take in, that at times I end up eating a whole pizza or whole plate of fries, I have started to find comfort in eating away my feelings. I don’t care how sad it sounds, and trust me I know it’s wrong, I need help but that doesn’t change the struggles I go through and the way I feel.

Most of the people I meet, try to starve themselves for weeks and get so disturbed that they end up eating their feelings away.

Going 3 years back, I had made up my mind that I must lose weight, I wanted to be thin. I had started gyming, jogging and swimming. I wanted to wear normal people’s clothes and find clothes that fit me without spending hours searching for my size. And I did lose weight, I went from 85kgs to 74kgs. I looked great, people started being nice again, people wanted to be with me, hang out with me.

And here we are at 100 kgs, today when I think of it, I didn’t start working out to be fit. I was just looking for validation! This is what I was ready to put myself through. This is what has become of our minds and this is what going through so much stress does to you. This is what people are ready to put themselves through just for the sake of validation.

Now when I mention that I have started gyming and working out, people laugh, they make jokes. It fucking hurts, it affects my confidence and I instantly start judging myself thinking, will I be able to do this? Am I capable enough?

When there is someone who is trying to bring change in their life and people can’t stop themselves from pulling them down. Why cannot people be more supportive?

Almost everyone around me — no matter how they look, are talking about depression, anxiety and so many other mental health problems they’re going through. And still, somehow the same people end up judging and making other people’s life so hard?

When are we going to accept that we all have insecurities, in one way or another we all feel these things at some point in our life. And its time that we stop being the person we hate and bring in some empathy and positivity in the lives of people around us.

Also, make some freaking good jeans that will fit these thighs?

And let’s not forget an air conditioner that won't make me fat.