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I feel like the worlds biggest failure. Momma is not happy. At all. Deep deep sadness to add to previous wounds and loss.

I went looking for some more concrete details and had a meeting which opened one door not as bad as the worst, but it’s not far from.

For the first time yesterday Momma said the dreaded word bankruptcy. I thought I had kept hope alive enough for her mind to not go there. Its probably best it did to prep her though. I was too cowardly to bring it up before.

I cried a lot yesterday. Real sobs. The last time I did that was when I failed her in a big way.

I just had a thought. I want to decide to not fail. A real mind reboot. Tony Robbins says deciding is all it takes. I want to believe. I’m just not there. Could I fake it? Would it be enough? better?

Elon Musk had to ask to borrow money after he had to put all his money into spacex & tesla. This made me feel better when I had to go ask for help of k&p, but it’s cold comfort now.

I’m scared I’m going to cry in front of the kids. Scare them. What a fucking disaster.

Momma had another bad night. Shes fucking terrified & it freaks me out; only because I’m able to keep the panic down a bit, by swallowing it and packing it away somewhere so I can continue to deal with this… practice in swallowing pain & fear.

I’m considering suicide. There I said it. It fucking terrifies me as it should. I don’t think I have the guts. How many people has cowardice saved from this shit fate?