Just bailed on an important exam, the kind they say defines your future. I don’t know how I do it. And yes, I’ve done this before. I feel nothing. A million thoughts fly through my head.
Is it fear? I’m not afraid. Is it pressure? Was the pressure to pass too much? I’m not one to shy away from tight corners.
Is it laziness? Maybe, depends upon how one defines laziness. I do things and accomplish hard af milestones with grace, when I want to. But then I wanted to clear this exam too.
Do I think it’s some sort of a challenge? I like killing time this way. I base my life around the understanding that time is relative and you can assign as much value to it as you please.
But what challenge? To see how far I can stretch my chances, how far I can push myself without falling over? Maybe that makes sense. But not as much as the opinion that I’m frankly destroying my future.
It’s foolishness they say. And so does most of me. But then why does the rest of me like it? Yes I like it. I like the look on their faces when they see I don’t care. That astonishment, that disgust, that appreciation, that envy, that dissapointment; that mixture.
How could I not care? I’m a man of reason, and I had planned it all out. I skipped part of my roadtrip, part of my stay with my family, most of my rest intervals and a lot of other important things over the past month to get back to Bangalore in time. But then how did I skip my exam?
Did I not think about the consequences? I did, but meh! What consequences? How can one say for certain that I’m doomed.
How am I so confident that moving further life will turn out just fine? By what crooked algorithm do I continue to define my life? Has my contentment based philosophy on life ruined me? Is social media and the shitness of society getting to my head finally?
Am I delirious? Have I gone crazy? A crazy person cannot handle life the way I do. I’m sure there are terms, titles, definitions, principles; heck words, given to describe the state of my mind. But how much sense do they make?
Can one, for certain, map out my brain? Tell me exactly what I feel, exactly what I’m being? Can he feel it, live it? And when one does, how can I possible be certain that he’s got it right?
I can barely understand my mind. All I know is, amidst all these thoughts, I feel nothing