Life as a woman in Nepal
Recently a friend from Australia asked me to write to her about being a woman in Nepal. I got super excited because I have a lot to say about it. I could even write a book on it if I had skills it demands. It was difficult for me to decide what to start with. I thought the best way to tell anyone about life as a woman in Nepal is by telling life stories of three generations of women: My grandmother (dad’s mother), my mother and my elder sister.
My grandmother married when she was 14. She was married to a man around 30 years older. Grandfather never stayed at one place. He used to move to a new city, stay there for 6 months and move to another leaving everything behind. My grandmother followed her like a pet, not having a right to say a single word on what she thinks about it or what she would like to do. She had my dad at 17 and my grandfather, always drunk and indulged with other women, died in a road accident after 7 years. I never saw my grandfather but I don’t think I missed much. My grandmother had a struggling life. As a young widow, many men had eyes on her, many made an attempt to touch her. She was depressed, got into drinking which made my father’s life a hell.
At the age of 15 my dad married my mom who was 14. In a year, they had my elder sister. My grandmother, who had so hard life herself, was worst mother-in-law any daughter-in-law could get. She hated my mom because she belonged to some other caste than dad. The irony is if we, for a second, follow caste system, my grandmother comes from lower caste than my mom’s family.
As a child I saw lots of domestic violence. My dad was theatre artist and boxer back then. So he would be out for days sometimes. Those were the days my mom would be beaten by grandmother so bad that mom would be bed-ridden for weeks. Our neighbors saved my mom’s life many times. Finally dad brought us to separate home as it was impossible for him to leave home to work. But please note- even after all this, my mother was the first person to send money, fruits and clothes to my grandmother every Dashain (biggest festival of Nepalese). My grandmother now praises my mother behind her though they have not seen each other for more than 10 years now.
My mom comes from a very poor family. As dad got better in his career, he started earning lots of money, he started producing and directing movies. But with fame and money came his bad habits, his extra-marital affairs, lots of fights between mom and dad. Despite of catching dad in action many times, my mom who was a housewife with no parents to go to, never could leave him. One day dad decided to leave us and go live with his mistress. They finally got divorced after 22 years of marriage, after 4 kids.
My mom got into depression for first 2 years. She did not know what to do with kids. My elder sister was already married by then. I was only 14. She sent me away to dad. Now I understand her position. Back then, for couple of months I hated her for abandoning me. But I can proudly say that my mom is a fighter. She started going to yoga, tailoring classes. Now she is a yoga teacher and she has her own small business of clothes. She is a tailor in her shop as well. She has now started training other women. She is an independent woman.
Following family’s history, my elder sister also got into inter-caste marriage. After few years of marriage, she also went through domestic violence from her husband. He used to drink a lot and abuse her. She was not allowed to work outside as he was very possessive and insecure. So, my sister started her own food business, ran it successfully for 4 years. Now she is working in Kuwait, very happy and successful, capable of looking after her 8 years old son and even her husband financially. I ask her why she still cares for her stupid husband and his family. She says because she still loves him.
These are the women I have lived around. I see lots of pain, struggle and injustice but also lots of tolerance and courage- courage to fight and courage to love one who hurt them. What do you see in these Nepalese women? Do you see how lives of Nepalese women are “same same but different” in different generations?
