Dance away your fears!

My Arangetram Journey

What is it that makes you question yourself? And how long will you do it for? Well if I could answer that, I would say I question myself whether I would be good enough, whether I would be able to make the people around me proud of me, and more. Thus, I would run away from doing a lot of things altogether. And how long would I do it for? Um as long as I can. It is a skill I possess. Sounds stupid, but my fears were REAL.

The story is about me doing my Arangetram and how I ran away from it for the longest time because I couldn’t tackle one inconspicuous thing- Fear. I eventually did overcome it.

Final view: IT IS TOTALLY WORTH IT!

I have been learning Bharatanatyam under the tutelage of Padmashree Guru @Geeta Chandran (or as I call her- ‘Ma’am) since 2002. I have always been showered with love and constructive criticism from my Guru be it on my posture or my behavior and it has played a huge role in shaping the person that I am.

In 2010, when I was in 10th grade, I had danced well in class one day. I remembered all the steps, all the embellishments I had to add, all the expressions. It was one of those days. That day Ma’am said “Good Gundamma (meaning fatty in tamil), let’s do your Arangetram next year”. Well that was it! Fear kicked in and I remember messing up steps from next class onwards, missing classes and what not! I don’t know what made me do it, however, I remember her telling me a month later that the Arangetram was off the table because I was dancing like an idiot (of course, not in those words). Ah so so dumb, Archana. This went on for another few years, where I did well on some days but I stopped being consistent. Come 2013, I became a part of the Western Music Society at my college Miranda House. We had late evening practices and thus, some classes would end up getting missed. Another excuse I guess, to not work hard and run away. Easy peasy.

In 2016, I got the opportunity to do my Masters in Public Policy and Governance at Azim Premji University in Bangalore. Which meant that after 20 years of my life, I had to leave Delhi, and hence, dance class. I don’t think I was worried about anything else but I had to study.

So I meekly reached dance class in April 2016 and shared this news with Ma’am and the class. Instead of being happy about a Master’s degree, I remember holding back my tears. Realizing that my lifelong dream of doing my Arangetram would definitely not be completed now. I think everyone around me realized it too. You see, I am very bad at hiding emotions and I am sure I was making some stupid sad face that others could easily see.

I still didn’t approach her and tell her I wanted to fulfil my “dream” and ask her if it was possible. Nope. “You are not good enough to ask your Guru that, Archana!” said the devil on my shoulder. “Don’t you dare!” So, I went back home and sulked till I got some sleep.

Since I’ve been learning at Natya Vriksha, I have been used to spending hours after my class just observing the seniors and Ma’am. There were also times when I was too young to walk to my house and I would end up waiting for my parents for 2–3 hours. It taught me a lot about patience, it inculcated the art of watching a performance and of course, there were some perks of being able to see what we would learn next. Being an inherently lazy human being, this was one of my favorite pastimes – sitting in my split and watching dance.

One such day, after I had told them I was leaving for Bangalore in 3 months (July 2016), I was sitting and observing, with Rajiv uncle by my side when the seniors were being taught a funny Shiva Padam, a ninda stuti ridiculing the deity, Etthai Kandu. Rajiv Uncle turned to me and said “Archana, you’re going to do this for your Arangetram”. I think I choked then. I looked at ma’am, and she had the best poker face I’ve seen all my life. You know what that meant in my head? “Ah hell no, child! Quietly sit down and observe the rest of the class” I laughed it off at that moment. But before I was leaving, Uncle asked me to tell my mother to call him up to discuss this. There was still no reaction on ma’am’s face. I thought to myself. “Chalo, dead. Okay bye.”

I went back home, told my mother that Uncle wanted to speak with her. We had the call and she looked at me and said that they wanted me to start coming for practice the next day onwards, I would be under review for a while and if it worked out, they would start doing the arrangements for your Arangetram, tentative date- July 1st week. “WHAT?? NO!! WHAT?? I THINK I WILL FAINT”, I said (screamed) to myself.

I went to class the next day. It was only me and Ma’am. HOLY SHIT! She was still holding her poker face too damn well. She told me to start with the Jatiswaram. Of course I did a bad job, got tired in the second Jati and was dancing like an amoeba by the last Jati. Ma’am said nothing. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT IS WORSE THAN GETTING SCOLDED. She said “Okay, come tomorrow again. See you. Bye.” I went back home, partly defeated, ready to quit on this dream again. Confident that I had ruined it.

The next day, I came back, with a fresh determination and a big smile. She smiled (THANK GOD) and said that “Okay, you were not too good yesterday, so we will have to work on it, but you and I will focus on the dance bit and your mother and Rajiv uncle will handle the rest.” Thus, like clockwork, every morning I reached dance class and started dancing. One item, then two and then finally all of them. As promised by Uncle, I learned the Shiva piece. It was and is always going to be special for me. The Thillana, the concluding piece of a margam had to be chosen and I said I want to do a Thillana that I had not learnt before. Why? I loved the sound of it, I had grown up listening to it and it was now or never! (Was this newfound confidence?) Hesitantly, I said I wanted to do it. To my surprise, ma’am said “Okay, but it’s your responsibility to learn it.” I learnt it. NV seniors took classes piece by piece to help me with each step, mudra, walk, and emotion. Ma’am moulded me and used her magic wand which she claims till date that she does not possess. I practiced every day for over 2 months. It was so focused and consistent, I finally understood that my fear came from lack of confidence and sheer laziness. Not a great mix.

Then began the logistics and other aspects of it. The hall, the invitation cards, the jewelry, the costumes, the photoshoots, the make-up, the musicians, the scorching heat, and of course, the diet. Each has its own story. Each has been equally important to me and my Arangetram. I would like to bow down to my mother, father, and brother for handling my tantrums at home and for my NV family for handling my entire being in class.

3 Days before the Arangetram, we started rehearsals with the musicians and with my 1 KG ghungroos. (DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THEM.) I finished the rehearsal, reached home and saw that my feet had swollen up because of the weight of the ghungroos. Being a “healthy” child, I laughed thinking how an extra kilo on my body could lead to that. Anyway, I had to start physiotherapy to subside it and had to use all the haldi and Volini I could find. My leg looked like a shiny mango.

D-Day- 2nd July, 2016

I danced my heart out. Exchanging side glances with ma’am to still understand if I was doing okay. And as I had hoped, she looked at me with a smile. That is all the motivation I needed. That fear was gone! When the performance got over, I came to thank the audience in the mangalam and was walking away after doing so when Uncle called me back on stage to tell everybody how I had been dancing for years and had finally done it! Well, that was it. I started crying like a baby. I looked at ma’am, she cried too. I looked at my family, they were crying. I looked at my NV family, they were crying, I looked at the audience, they were all crying. “Is this real??” Today I would say that these were all happy tears. Every single one that came that day, saw something that I had only dreamt of doing and that feeling is beyond comprehension.

I never realized what went into making a dancer. What it meant to organize a performance. I never understood that this process was so much bigger than me, it took a village to make me dance the way that I did! And to everyone who contributed, I thank them with everything that I have because I could not have done it on my own. My list of acknowledgments would be never ending but I will never forget this experience. At the back of the invitations, they share a short description of the dance, the dancer, the Guru-Shishya Parampara and the School. If you have the time, ask about the real story. I would love to know what went on in my ma’am’s head. A story much like mine I assume. Why did she agree to do my Arangetram? What did she see in me? This process for me, is something that words can only try to describe. It was a high I have never felt. A high I may never feel again. But the bond with my Guru has strengthened and a lifelong connection has been made. And I can only hope that everyone gets the chance to feel this way some day in their life and to find a Guru like mine.

With all this, I would just like to continue to repay my debt of gratitude to my Guru – the one who saw me and accepted me for my flaws and shortcomings and trained me to become a better version of myself, to Rajiv Uncle who nudged me and encouraged me, all with a smile on his face, to my parents and brother who supported me through all these years, to all my senior and peers for helping me out at each stage, and to all my friends and family members who have helped through my life. I have realized that this is not the end but the beginning to a bright and happy future. It has been 4 years to that day I can’t wait to do it again!

Happy Arangetraversary to me!

As John Mayer sings, “Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood…”