Your story resonated with me, and parallels my own to some extent. I even typed it all out to share with you, but I’m afraid I don’t have the same courage displayed by your seemingly brutal self-honesty.
But I will say that I’ve felt deep despair of losing everything in which I’d put my self-worth and identity, and would like to point out that whatever you may feel about yourself — whatever hopelessness attempts to wash over you as a result of your present circumstances — it’s all very natural, and, in 99.9% of the cases similar to or exactly like yours, temporary.
Please remember this — that no matter how stacked the odds are against you, you WILL eventually pull out of your situation, and when you do, it’s just as likely to be of your own doing as it is to have nothing to do with anything you said or did. Small comfort, but it helps to know that — after battling with all your soul, heart, strength, and mind for countless days without rest — chance situations can pull you out of a mire, too.
And please also remember that we Christians aren’t all like your grandmother, fortunately. I don’t know any more of the situation than you shared, but I have enough experience to know that people sometimes make the wrong choice with the right intentions, misguided or not. But were I in a position to grant you admittance to shelter and aid, your faith would have no bearing in such matters.
Good luck, and Godspeed, my friend!