I remember having only one of my parents, not a pair, sitting quietly in my hollow classroom for my yearly report. I craned my neck just to find other kids running with both their mamas and papas. It was fine i guess. My judgment went wrong after i turned 9. Things got a little more complicated and misfit for kids like me. Like when i stood for 15 minutes not knowing how to draw the correct way of my ‘Family Tree’. It went worse after i gained my full consciousness as i turned 12. To put it nicely,
having your parents split up feels like sitting in a void garden. You were sitting on a cold stepping stone near the gnomes, in the middle of two houses having dinner, and you have to run back and forth between them so neither could throw a knife at the other.
What is bad for my well-being was not how they are not together anymore, but how i still together with them. You have to witness their hatred for each other and it’s kinda your job to pacify them. Adapting to new families. And countless conflicting hysteria that went on for the rest of your life.
The next philosophical question would be very Buddhist. “When was the time you gained consciousness?” or “When was your enlightenment?” as in made peace with my situation.
Accepting was fucking easy. I mean, i was 6 and careless.
Made peace with it? well not a blink of an eye, but i’ve made it pretty easily. Seeing how they live peacefully, finally justifies their separation.
Passed those two essentials, guessed i have come to what Nietzsche called ‘Amor Fati’ (meaning: To love one’s fate). Not just accepting, but loving the fact that it happened to you. And yes i’m loving it! I’m loving the fact my Mom and my Dad decided to divorce.
My Amor Fati mindfulness came by the process. It wasn’t a sudden enlightenment. But a heartful wonder, countless trials and errors, and my reflection on my relationship experiences.
My therapist told me i am having a pre-conscious mind, where every kid my age considered me mature or, maybe, too scandalous. But it did help me with great principles and mindset.
12 marked my starting journey to wonder. I used to romanticize everything because i was so helpless. I could not figure out my depression. The void was getting deeper.
18 marked my wild teenage era. We all thought we were revolutionary, aren’t we? Turned out it was just reckless. I fought to find ‘true love’ to justify my anti-divorce behavior. But somehow it manifested the polar reality. I stumbled upon a wrong mindset. I denied the fact that too much possibility could go wrong.
Finally, 21 banged my idealism too hard. And yet people say that the worst will come when you are turning 23.
My realization came not when life did you the shittiest thing you could’ve imagined, but when everyone turned their backs on you. I lost to so many people i have loved, i got raped, got betrayed, yadda, yadda, you know the drill!
Another void surfaced and again, i was helpless. But it didn’t took me years to get back on my feet again. I came back stronger than before. Honestly, i was surprised by how i could cope with everything. After stones and hurdles are thrown at me from every direction,
where did i gain so much resilience?
And yes, it was the bitter childhood i had.
I was laughing then, and finally thanking God for this tragic yet beautiful past. You know, like the Taylor Swift song!
