Democrats Most Likely to Bring Nug to the Sit-In

At the moment, the most vocal leaders in the Democratic Party are waging a sit-in to continue the fight against the biggest threat to domestic safety: gun violence. They’re the few members in Congress that are shouldering this cause, but what the media has forgotten to ask is: Who is bringing the weed? I mean let’s be honest, there is no way that this sit in is happening without some midnight oil baby. Here are the top 5 representatives and senators that we all know snuck in some dank dank:

Nancy Pelosi

High AF.

Ever since Nance was Speaker of the House, she’s been about putting work first and then ‘getting super chill with her homies’ next. That might be a quote from her Myspace survey, not sure.

I know what you’re thinking, Pelosi does not smoke. But word around Capitol Hill is that she not only brought weed but she also brought some dabs to the sit-in, leading one representative to absentmindedly whisper the lyrics to, “Come Original” by 311 and pretend he was creating “air waves” with his hands.

Steny Hoyer

Steny fresh off the cyph.

My boy Steny here! This dude has been on the cutting edge of our country’s political movements since 1967 baby. Some of his chill credentials are: supporting pro-choice abortion rights, pro-gay rights, proposing various plans for universal health care, a higher tax bracket for those citizen’s whose income is higher than $200,000, the disarmament of Iran’s (and other nation’s) nuclear arms, a voting record that has been pro-gun control, a dope 3D art collection, a hand blown bubbler with 4 chambers and an N64 with Diddy Kong Racing. Although, Steny has explicitly told the media and his fellow compatriots that he’s not buying weed anymore, I’m sure if someone provides some bud Steny will live up to his nickname “Cyphin Steny.” He throws down a pretty ridiculous cyph session and from what I hear he can beatbox, so expect there to be some haphazard freestyling.

Maxine Waters

“Hey! Hit it and pass it, my dude.”

Maxine Waters’ record places her in the center of our country’s left. She started off her political career by helping propose and fund a divestment campaign against apartheid. In her recent years, she’s completely opposed the Iraq War and when asked about her feelings towards the Tea Party, she said, “I’m not afraid of anybody…And as far as I’m concerned the Tea Party can go straight to hell…and I intend on helping them get there.” Crazy to think that this is the same lady other representatives say “loves her gas mask bong so much, we always think she’s crying.” According to some unknown sources, her and Rep. Jared Huffman (aka “Jay Rod The Puff Man”) spent an entire day smoking 24 blunts. One for each hour. Sources also claim that Waters does not like chiefs and will tell you straight up if you’ve been holding for too long. Not my words, that’s my sources guys. So you know we at least have something managing the whole affair.

Elizabeth Warren

“You didn’t believe me when I said it was Sour Diesel.”

There are few people in this country that literally incite either extreme passion and joy, or extreme hatred. Elizabeth Warren is part of that few. I imagine that when Thin Lizzy rolls up to a Capitol Hill day party, she most likely receives pounds and daps all around, while getting some side eye. But shit, she’s not worried about that. If there was a person more electable than her, they’d be President Obama. From what I hear, Liz brought such dankty dank dank nug spliffs that she even sent Rep. James Clyburn into a prayer and kneel. He later said, “Her weed was that good.” My money is on Liz for not only bringing the weed, but for also allowing everyone in the Democratic Party to hit the sweet vape that her boy in Colorado sent her. And yea, it’s got CBD in it…

Jon Lewis

“Wait, you said you’ve got a record player at your place?”

If gun violence wasn’t such a pertinent and serious issues coupled with Lewis’ extensive history in fighting for human rights, I’d say Jon Lewis held this thing to hang out with his buds in one of the oldest buildings in America. You know Lewis is the opposite of the “dude Slightly Stoopid is best band ever” stoner. He has taste and he has views. This guy understands the longevity and impact of a sit in, but he also knows that there is going to be a lot of waiting time for things to get done. You think a man who has been one of the greatest proponents for change in this country wasn’t high for at least a few of these numb skull speeches and decisions.

Now for some people who I’m certain did not bring weed to the sit-in….

Paul Ryan

“I can throw you 6 dollars for a hit…”

Paul Ryan, what the actual fuck? There are so many different reasons why I know you didn’t bring weed to this thing. Let’s forget that in the past two weeks, this guy not only tried to tell the nation that he “reluctantly supported Trump” but after a national tragedy, he tried to steamroll any proposition of implementing gun control and then attempted cut the media off from covering the first congressional sit-in.

Now let’s focus on the real problem, Paul Ryan thinks he is cool as fuck and that he is the poster boy for our generation’s Republican Party. Paul Ryan is the type of guy that thinks wearing purple is edgey and stylish; and maybe still rocks a hair flip when he goes out to get authentic Japanese food at his local Hibachi steakhouse. He is not only the type of guy, but in fact IS the guy who, in order to sway voters on how hip he might be, told the press that his playlist “starts with AC/DC and ends with Zeppelin.” Essentially, he has the entire selection of graphic tees you might find at Target on his Zune.

Paul Ryan, take it from a mediocre person, you are in fact uncool. You are so uncool that your khaki pants want to strangle themselves or at least euthanize your balls, so that you won’t be able to pass on your horrible taste to a single individual. You are the kind’ve person that hopes people lose their minds on weed so that you can validate all the horrible concocted lies that you’ve passed onto your combover and gingham wearing children.