I’m Quitting My Childhood Dream. Here’s Why.
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Ever since I was a little kid I knew I wanted to be an actor.
As a kid I’d write my own plays, put on my own performances, and jump at any chance to act silly or dramatic or weird.
In middle school I did my first school play. On the car ride home I told my mom, “I can touch people’s hearts and affect their minds. I want to do this forever.”
The other parents told my mom, “She’s like a professional!”
I won the middle school acting award.
I went to a boarding school for the arts for high school.
I got great roles and constant validation of my talent.
I went on to receive my B.F.A. in Theatre.
I was told by my favorite professor, “You have the potential to really go places. You can really do this.”
There was never any question in my mind about what I would do with my life.
Until I reached…the ~real world.~
You’re warned about the ~real world~ your whole life.
Especially as a young actor, I was warned that there would be sacrifices. I accepted my fate as a starving artist, or so I thought.
I knew what I was signing up for, theoretically.
But living it is a whole other bag.
Money Matters
I wasn’t brought up with any healthy or happy examples of money.
I wasn’t taught how to manage my money or how to have a healthy relationship with money.
I saw my parents struggle and I’ve been a witness to toxic family drama over money since as long as I can remember.
Yet, at the same time, my dad was funding a lavish lifestyle for me.
He bought be a Mercedes Benz in college. My high school graduation present was a designer bag. I graduated with almost $30k of student debt, which my parents willingly took on, but I had no idea until this year…3 years after I graduated.
No one ever taught me how to take responsibility for these things or how to budget or how to save or what an IRA is.
Until this year, I really didn’t have an understanding of money. I mean anything about it.
I believed it was evil and the source of the world’s suffering. That about summed up my feelings towards money.
My dad used to tell me how important money is, and I’d always tell him it wasn’t important to me.
I wanted to have stronger values than that.
But the truth is, since starting therapy, I’ve done a deep dive into a lot of my belief systems around a lot of different things, including money.
And I’ve realized how a lot of subconscious beliefs have shaped my relationship with money. And not in a good way.
A few months ago I was broke. And depressed. And depressed about being broke.
I couldn’t pay my rent. I had to move back in with my parents. I owed everyone I knew money. I couldn’t do anything that cost money, because I just never had any money.
It sucked.
And I’d hop from survival job to survival job. I hated every job I had.
I was a server, a dog walker, an after school teacher, a receptionist.
I was always miserable.
I’d grow so restless and unhappy at a job that I’d impulsively quit, because I just couldn’t bare to be there one more day.
And then I’d be desperate for money, so I’d take the first job I could get, which I quickly grew to hate, and the cycle continued like that for 3 years.
I reached a point where I was just like, “This can not be my life anymore.”
The Exploitation is Real
One rainy day I went to an audition, and I totally killed it. I was so proud of the improv work I did.
But I never heard back.
Which was okay. I was very used to rejection at that point.
A month later I heard from a friend who worked in post-producton.
He messaged me saying, “Hey, Ariana! I’m editing the pitch for [insert whatever the name of the show was here…I don’t remember] and it’s so awesome to see you working!”
They used my audition (and probably everyone else’s audition) as a pitch reel for a new reality tv show.
We never got paid. Never got credit.
Bullshit.
The amount of shitty, unpaid projects I auditioned for and did is insane.
It just felt really dismal and disappointing and depressing.
This is the reality of starting out as an actor in Hollywood: You sacrifice a consistent paycheck, health insurance, and a decent apartment so that, after paying thousands of dollars on headshots, postcards, classes, and gas, you can drive 2 hours to perform a scene that you worked tirelessly on for a room of nobodies who somehow got funding to do a shitty production of their shitty script. You then either never hear from them or, if you do get cast, they may not even give you the footage for the project or the IMDB credit the listing promised. And, either way, there’s no way you’re getting paid in anything other than pizza.
Like, NO! I couldn’t do it anymore.
I respect everyone who is willing to stick that shit out. Seriously.
But I can’t.
Another time I went to a commerical audition where I drove an hour down the 101 so that the casting director could size up my body and hear me say one line (2 words) of dialogue.
And that’s just accepted as completely normal.
I have a handful of stories I could tell detailing the shady shit people pulled on me. And, at 23 years old, I totally fell for it.
I know better now.
Dreams Can Change
Quitting acting is hard.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m giving up on myself.
It’s hard to let go of two decades of absolute certainty that this was my “life’s purpose.”
But I’m starting to wonder…Do I want my dreams to be the same as when I was 5 or 16 or 23?
Do I really want the same things for myself?
HELL no!
At 5 I wanted to be Ms.America.
At 16 I wanted to have kids with a loser who barely graduated high school.
At 23 I didn’t have a clue about my own psychology.
I know more now.
I know more about who I am. And I know more about the world.
We grow and change and evolve. Maybe it’s okay that our dreams grow and change and evolve with us.
I want more for myself now.
At 26 years old I’m asking, “What do I want to be when I grow up?”
And, although that’s scary, it’s also exciting.
I’m standing at a threshold of possibility. And I have the power to create a life I actually want and that I love.
What about you? Are there dreams you’ve had to let go of so that you could live a life you love? I want to know!
