NOISEY AMERICAN BRUNCH

It’s 12 pm on a Sunday afternoon in Manhattan. Heather, Jennifer, and Rachel are having brunch, but it’s been painfully quiet for a little too long…

HEATHER: Complaining about something at my work that makes me feel secure and pays me very well. It’s not something I consider a big deal, but I feel the need to make noise right now and discuss something because the voices in my head scare me if it’s silent for too long.

JENNIFER: Blind agreement in said complaint.

HEATHER: Excessive detail and opinion on complaint. More noise. Like, pause for seeming dramatic effect.

RACHEL: New topic about love life and hoping someone notices my existence. The voices in my head are hurting me.

JENNIFER: Attention to person’s existence and questions about your recent date with someone I vaguely remember you talking about because I was thinking about juice. Follow up question that will allow me to judge if your date is suitable for you. If not, I will hint that this person is not worthy and kind of be a dick about it, but you’ll think I’m just being my sassy, lovable self!

RACHEL: Answers arbitrary questions, yet hinting doubt in my choice for a mate. Asking approval from the both of you who have never met or seen my potential mate, which I already know is not someone I’m going to really date. Added detail about something he did that was nice to prove that at least one man out there is into me.

JENNIFER: Judgment based on your answers, little past experience, and something I once saw on a TV show. Implications he might be a murderer. Basically, a combination of go with your gut, but also listen to anything and everything we say.

RACHEL: Grateful for your answers which don’t matter because I already know this person is never going to call me again and I won’t make the effort to do anything about it.

HEATHER: Stemming off your topic to talk about something I can only have opinions about, but will treat them like facts because I have thought about them for so long that they feel like facts. Opinion about marriage although I don’t have any close family or friends who are married.

RACHEL: Overjoyed you brought that up so I can also talk about something I know absolutely nothing about. My experience in this topic roughly equates to the validity of an article I read months ago, but I definitely feel the need to discuss something. The voices, remember?

HEATHER: Worrying about the future for no apparent reason!

JENNIFER: Agreement! Worrying about the future with my secure job and satisfying looks, but now all of the sudden questioning my value as a suitable mate.

RACHEL: Noise! And I’m bringing up my ex for no reason.

HEATHER: Shaming your ex no matter what happened in the relationship because it is our job as friends to tell you everything you want to hear unless you’re being really annoying, in which case, we’ll bluntly tell you the truth and make it look like we’re doing you a favor.

RACHEL: Gratitude for being my friends.

[Server brings check]

RACHEL: Impatiently complaining about server for no logical explanation. I’m unsure of what to be mad about, but I’m definitely mad about something and it’s the server’s fault.

HEATHER: Blind agreement about whatever you’re saying. I’m pretty sure the voices in my head are demons. Who has doctor recommendations based on little to no experience?

JENNIFER & RACHEL: Me!