LIVE! UPDATES! NEWS! REPORTING THE LIVE NEWS!

CNN: SEND US YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS UNPREDICTABLE STORM THAT WE’RE CREATING DOZENS OF PREDICTIONS FOR. IT COULD GO NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, AND PROBABLY WEST. BUT WE WON’T KNOW UNTIL IT HAPPENS. IT WILL BE EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE. WE DON’T JUST HAVE ONE ANSWER. WE HAVE EVERY ANSWER. TUNE IN LATER FOR MORE FROM THE RELAXING VOICE OF POSSIBLE IMMORTAL, ANDERSON COOPER.

FOX NEWS: THE PLANET IS TRYING TO KILL US. WHAT STEPS DO WE NEED TO TAKE TO FIGHT BACK? THEN, LATER WITH DON LEMON, ARE SNOWFLAKE LIBERALS OVERREACTING TO THIS HURRICANE? TUNE IN FOR ANSWERS FROM OUR HIGHLY-OPINIONATED GUEST, A NEW YORKER TOTE BAG.

LOCAL CABLE CHANNEL: IT’S ESUPER WINDY OUT HERE. PERO, A BRANCH FELL DOWN OVER THERE. THIS ESTARBUCKS HAS THEIR SHUTTERS UP. I’M WEARING A WINDBREAKER, SO THINK IT’S GOING TO BE A ESUPER SERIOUS STORM. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. AYE COÑO CARAJO, MY UMBRELLA JUST FLEW AWAY.

NBC NEWS: PRAY AS HARD AS YOU CAN BECAUSE GOVERNOR RICK SCOTT SAYS THEY WILL NOT SAVE YOU FROM THE HURRICANE. “WE DO NOT HAVE THE RESOURCES TO HELP YOU,” SAID THE GOVERNOR DURING TODAY’S STATEMENT. “WE WILL ARREST YOU IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE. YOU WILL PROBABLY MEET YOUR DEATH BEFORE WE CAN ARREST YOU THOUGH.” HE THEN SOFTLY WHISPERED, “THERE IS NO ESCAPE, YOU POOR, UNFORTUNATE SOULS.” SOURCES CAN CONFIRM HE PROBABLY DIDN’T THINK ANYONE HEARD THAT LAST PART.

VICE: OUR TOP EDITORS ARE GOING TO EXPLAIN THE SCIENCE BEHIND HURRICANE IRMA’S VIOLENT WINDS AND AFTER EATING THIS MASSIVE WEED BROWNIE.

HUFFINGTON POST: HERO KRISTEN BELL JUST SAVED AN 82-YEAR-OLD FROM HURRICAN IRMA (Wait, this one actually happened).

THE NEW YORKER: a cartoon with a tumbleweed caught in a tornado and a caption that you have to softly think about for a few minutes.

TRUMP: HURRICANE IRMA IS BEAUTIFUL. SEXY MOTHER NATURE REALLY ARCHED HER BACK FOR THIS ONE. I’VE ALSO JUST CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO TO TELL HIM THAT WE WILL NOT LET HURRICANE JOSE INTO AMERICA.

PENCE: GOD SENT THIS HURRICANE TO WIPE OUT ANY WOMAN THAT ISN’T MY WIFE.

IVANKA: “DADDY, CAN I COME TO FLORIDA WITH YOU?” *buys a new pair of Dior sunglasses and Googles the weather in Florida to determine if she might need a light jacket or if that’s too much*