Your Empathy Is Not Helpful
Why providing steady emotional support for our people is more helpful than empathizing with them
To create culture change, we need to create a culture where people can process their emotions, rather than perpetuating cycles of trauma. How do we create this culture?
We must be able to hold space for people to process their emotions, and over-empathizing is getting in the way.
Many of us who are naturally empathic are attracted to the healing and helping professions. We care about people, we are not callous to the things happening to the world- and for this, having empathy is a gift.
But there are moments where we must be more skillful, where our empathy is not helpful. Our empathy is helpful when we are able to understand another’s life experiences, but not when we are feeling their life experiences.
If as an empath, we feel everyone else’s experiences, it actually makes it so we are not able to truly be there for the other person. To be there for someone, we need to provide steady emotional support for the other without taking some of the attention away from them by our own reaction.
For example, if I am upset because I got rejected from a job I was applying to and then I tell my family member who then in turn gets upset, sometimes their reaction will actually take me away from my own emotional experience. I can feel they cannot handle holding space for me. I may actually start holding space for them or dismiss my feelings of how disappointed I am because I don’t want them to be so upset.
Even though they may feel that they are being there for you, many of us need steady nervous systems that can help us feel held and safe while experiencing our emotions. The way we can really experience these deeper emotions is if we can feel the other person is steady enough to hold the space for us. This is co-regulation.
Another example that is common in friendships is when friends are giving advice or are attached to you making certain decisions. For example, a friend may be very upset if you date a someone she doesn’t like (I am not talking about abusive relationships). So let’s say a friend doesn’t like the person because she sees that you are upset sometimes while in a relationship with them. Often we can think this is what being a good friend looks like but it is actually codependence- her nervous system is tied to your nervous system so for her to feel regulated you need to change your behavior instead of her regulating herself. The problem with this empathy is it actually using empathy as a way to try to control the other person’s behavior. And the thing is, until the girl with the disliked partner learns the lesson from the relationship, she will stay in the same dynamic so it is best to allow people to follow their path even if we dislike it or don’t agree with it. Forcing change is just artificial if we are not able to heal the thing underlying it that makes us date a someone that is inconsistent, for example.
Lastly, as natural healers or helpers, it is good to be aware that sometimes if we are over-empathizing and feeling the emotions of those we are trying to help rather than holding space for them, we can actually be making the situation about us. Often this makes it so we can not see their situation clearly because we have merged our emotions and experiences with theirs. This is a challenging situation and I understand why some people may struggle to learn how to be regulated while working in harmful systems or with intense trauma. But to be strong and regulated in these situations we are actually providing much more support for the people we are trying to help.
I imagine a world where more of us have regulated, attuned nervous systems so that we can hold space for others and be a healing presence. Then, those we hold space for may build their own nervous system capacity, and then hold space for others. The Domino Effect can result in a world where we can be free from the survival state that constant dysregulation has us in. Then, we can heal our culture and planet.
