Close friends have a profound impact on our overall happiness and well-being. But what are the characteristics of a bad friend? And why is it important to know what these characteristics are? I’m going to discuss 5 things I’ve learned throughout my life that are indicators of a bad friend. This can apply to anyone who isn’t sure if one of their friends is being genuine or fake. These are very important because having a person in your life who isn’t on your team can be detrimental to your self-growth. They’re like parasites who feed on the misery of others and people like this should have no place at your table.
Judgmental
When someone is your real friend you will be able to engage in conversations that will end in understanding, not an argument. Real friends will not judge you for the things you’ve done. If they express disapproval it will be in a way that doesn’t harm your self-worth or put your friendship at risk. If someone is unhealthy for you they will berate you and make you feel terrible about yourself.
I experienced this when I chose to pursue a career in writing about mental health. I was given looks of disdain because I too was on a journey of self-awareness. And when I had mishaps it was followed by ridicule from people who I thought were my friends. It plagued me because I thought I was a phony and began to feel discouraged. But I’ve come to learn that a real friend won’t judge you for your decisions, instead, they will encourage you to be better.
Their criticism has malicious intent
Constructive criticism is a great way to learn from mistakes and make adjustments accordingly. But there’s a difference between being a hater and criticism. It’s the intent. Are they telling you something that is beneficial for your growth or are they intentionally trying to break your spirit? You can usually tell. If their critique is directed towards your goal and how they feel it could be improved then they’re looking out for you. But if they’re saying things that almost seem harsh and are being directed towards who you are as a person instead of the goal that’s presented, then they’re haters. Your growth means nothing to them.
This also happened in my pursuit of a writing career. Recently I had a friend ask me: “How are you going to write about mental health when you drink every weekend?” It stumped me because I’ve been actively trying to change that part of my life and they knew that. Yet they felt the need to ask that question anyway. That one aspect of my life was the topic of their criticism despite all the other things I’ve overcome. I knew what their intentions were, it was to make me feel inadequate because having a drink on the weekends wasn’t my biggest problem which they should have known because I’ve spoken with this person a lot throughout this whole process.
You’re changing, and they’re staying the same
Personal growth is miraculous for friends who truly love you. Because they too have been longing for you to transcend. There are people who will see your growth as a threat to their own self-worth. When drug addicts really want to have a better life one of the first things they have to do is distance themselves from the people they did drugs with. Because sometimes those people will try to pull you back into the fire. If you have someone in your life who constantly tries to pull you back into old habits, they do not care to see you win.
I’ve experienced this many, many times. Especially when it comes to partying. I was never a belligerent drunk but alcohol does affect me in ways that decrease productivity. If I drink lots on the weekends, I’m tired for the rest of the week and my goals pay the price. Yet I am always asked to go out by people who know what it is I’m trying to accomplish. When I say no they reply with something along the lines of “Oh you’re boring now.” No, I’m just trying to be better.
Constant Negativity
There are people who cannot see the light in any situation and being around it can have a very negative impact on the mental health of anyone around them. Hearing someone complain all the time is draining. People like this have no intention of having a good life because they’re blind to all the good that’s around them. Which can be crucial to the process of self-improvement. In order to improve yourself you need to be able to see past all the bad and be grateful for the good. It would benefit you incredibly to distance yourself from constant negativity.
Your achievements aren’t celebrated
In the midst of improving yourself, you will achieve some great feats. Like getting a promotion, or attaining your first client. Losing a few pounds even. These are great achievements and should be celebrated. If someone rolls your eyes at them or says some bullshit like “Oh, you must feel really good about yourself.” The worst one of all is “You’re still the same to me.” That person has no spot at your table. Because when you accomplish something you’ve worked so hard at, it is a means of celebration. If someone truly loves you they will scream with joy and admiration. You guys will go out for drinks and have a good time in honor of you.
This was a pivotal moment for me because when I experienced this it was when I was in college pursuing my then goal of being a nurse. I was told that I was belittling them. And that I treated them differently than my “smart friends,” girls I was also at school with. Mind you, none of us were scholars. But hearing that was strange because I was so busy that I rarely saw this person, so how could I possibly belittle someone I barely spent any time with? It made me realize that my pursuits were harming their own self-worth and that my pursuit of something meaningful made them feel inadequate. Which is not my problem.
Key takeaways
If you get anything from this let it be that having good genuine friendships can make life more grand and that having bad friends can make your growth much harder. Bad friends don’t want what’s best for you. They want you to stay the same, just like them. They’ll judge you, ridicule you and make you feel inferior to them. I’m sure we’ve all experienced this in some form and hopefully, those people aren’t in your life anymore. And if you still feel yourself being victimized by someone who fits the 5 characteristics of a bad friend, I suggest you do what you can to eliminate them from your life. Cause if they’re not ready to stand with you at the bottom, they’ll definitely do anything to not let you reach the top.
To hear more about the impact of personal relationships read my blog “Burn Bridges and Build Bonds: How to sense genuine friendships.”
