Will You Survive The Rodeo?

Graduation.

A moment of joy but shadowing that emotion is fear.

The unkown that haunts our conscious and pushes us to make a decision or accept a state of uncertainty.

Approaching my senior year, the fear overwhelms each undergraduate. No one wants the swarms of bees buzzing in our ear from our relatives and peers. We try our best to mitigate the noise and become as inconspicuous as possible, but we can not run away from destiny. The inevitable will come and we must have an answer.

What are your plans for post graduation?

Do you have a job, have you been applying, have you heard back from any of them?

Am I ready to leave my friends, my place of comfort and predictability?

Is there anything out in the world for me?

We brush it off, offer a plethora of valid reasons (excuses I mean) as to why they have not chosen us. I find myself gaslighting myself at these prompts as well. Acting like I am perfectly fine with the situation. I am petrified. Everyday I wake up with the decision to suffer or sleep on myself. The moments that I crave comfort, I weaken myself. Cementing myself in sorrow. Allowing whatver emotional state decide to subside in me to run amok. As if I am merely a computer, doing whatever it is programmed to do.

I let fear deny myself some experiences. I procrastinate job applications, offers to shoot videos as I get comfortable shooting in 4 x 5 framed fragments of my vision, ans even writing stories.

I have procrastinated three hours, filled with ssesne shopping and protection for my new phone, to think about what to write today. Prior to this story and the three I have published within the past week, I went idle for 2 months. The joy of writing my first story kept me up from 11 PM to 6 AM, and I had to leave for work two hours later. I felt a creative high, so proud of my thoughts, the way I connected each point to the next and its collectiveness with the story.

Then, I stopped my train, ripped the tracks off, never thought to repair it. I left the energy flowing within me to diminish and rust every minute that I was not thinking about my next piece. Even now I feel myself doubting my abilities, skeptical of if the words I write apply to the masses.

Yet when I choose to type and feel the responsiveness of every keys, the sound that rings in my ear, dependent on the pressure I apply, and my MacBook blasting its fan in hopes of keeping my thoughts alive, I gain that energy again.

I was uneasy the first couple of minutes with each graduation shoot. I was so stern on not messing up because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I flipped my narrative. Instead, I am presented with the task of taking pictures that emodies each graduate. I love that my friends trusted me and curated with these looks, poses, and sceneries with me. It was fun when our favorite buildings were closed, when we were denied access, and people walking into the frame. It is part of the process.

It was a chance for me to give light to my friends who woke up everyday and chose to grind. To show themselves that they can be a guide and an idol for others to leave their own findings.

Anxiety is a flashing light that becomes clearer when I embrace the fear. By taking action, there are subtle drops of subconscious that guides me to a path. When I ignore that instinct, I allow the fear to grow stronger. It does not become a path anymore, I have allowed the seasons to pass and my path becomes embedded within nature, finding another soul to breath it into life.

We have to run towards our destiny. Manifest our desires. Tap into our creative nature and find a strew to offer our souls too.

To my friends,

Carlton Marseille, Lari Hernandez-Perez, Gabrielle Roberts, Alvin Oliver II, and Elyssa Curet.

Thank you for trusting my vision.