“So … when are you gonna have kids?” — 5 reasons why my answer is: “Never.”
An illustration by A
As a thirty something woman I’ve heard this question countless times: “So … when are you (finally) gonna have kids?”. People who ask, include (and are not limited to) my parents, partner’s parents, other extended family, friends, colleagues, doctors, dentists, hair dressers, accountants, and random strangers. Somehow anybody feels entitled to ask about my most intimate life choices and also have an opinion about them, that I will most certainly be hearing just a moment after giving my answer. Because the answer always is: “Never”.
The reason I can say that with such certainty, is because I chose to get my tubes cut. “Never” it is.
As a child, up until my early twenties, I always thought, I’d be a mum eventually, just because that seemed to be what every grown woman I knew was or aspired to be. I never really questioned it until I moved out of my parents home, broke up with my first serious boyfriend (who I of course had assumed would one day be the father of my children), and started to think about what I actually wanted to do with my life. By then I had already enrolled at the University of Vienna and dropped out after a year to continue studying somewhere else, moved into my second apartment away from home (the first one I shared with said ex-boyfriend) and gotten the first of many tattoos, that would follow in the years after. During that time between 20 and 24 I made a lot of really stupid and also some smart decisions …
At some point a realization crept up at me: I never felt the wish to be a mother.
At 24 I thought it would change with age, but it never did. Instead the feeling only intensified until it wasn’t vague anymore — it was real, more real than most of my other life-choices.
I realized, that even as a child or a teenager, I never saw someday having kids of my own as a wonderful, mystical thing, something that my inner deepest self wanted and worked towards. It was a social thing, something that you don’t question, you just want it, it’s natural. It wasn’t for me.
I pursued a career (one led to the other in fact, so it’s more like multiple careers), left my home country and moved a thousand kilometers away, built a whole new cherished circle of friends, dated a lot of bad boys and some okay ones, and finally even got a dog, despite my families conditioning against pets. Seriously, getting this dog was the best thing that ever happened to me, but that’s a whole other blog post.
While having children never seemed appealing to me, for a long time I struggled to find the right words for my reasoning. Fifteen years after breaking up with my first serious boyfriend, I have become a different person and the nameless things that, at that time weren’t more than a blurry feeling in the back of my gut, are now clear and tangible to me.
That’s why, without further ado, I’ll give you my top 5 reasons for not wanting kids:
1 This one might sound a little harsh and I fully expect to lose the majority of you right here. I believe, the last thing, this glorious planet needs, is another human being. Our species has managed to accelerate the process of global warming by unprecedented dimensions — paling past major extinction events in comparison. That means it will be much harder for us and the other animals on this Earth to adapt — if even possible. It also means that in a shockingly near future this planet most likely will not be as nice a place to be around as it is now (now meaning: if you’re in the right climate zone and not talking about the catastrophic wildfires, storms and floods that are already happening). I for my part don’t want to raise a child and constantly be aware that, when they reach my age, chances are high they’ll have to face a very different society: when water is getting scarce, pollution is getting worse, extreme weather phenomena are the new normal, and our fragile social constructs fall apart under the pressure.
I think we as a species had a great time after the industrial revolution and we totally blew it. We’ve known for a painstakingly long time that our actions actively destroy our own (and other individuals) habitats and we’ve done nothing. We continue to do nothing and tell ourselves that somehow it will be okay. The harsh truth is: it most likely won’t be and if we die out we are the only ones to blame.
2 Congratulations: you’re still reading. I bet you’ll like the second reason even less than the first one. Here it is: It’s hard for a mother not to submit to sexist gender role stereotypes. Look, I know there are a lot of badass mums out there who rock their independence, and kudos to them. But the fact is that women have a harder time climbing up the career ladder after one or more pregnancies. Many can’t go back to work even if they wanted to, because the whole burden of parenting and household responsibilities rest on their shoulders. Oftentimes (even in relationships that value equality) things start to shift when there’s a kid. Mum is the one who takes the babe when it cries, mum is the one who plans the meals, mum is the one who makes sure everything’s packed in the baby bag when leaving the house and while she’s at it, she can also start another load of laundry. While there is a shift towards more equality concerning basic household chores (like cleaning), the bulk of mental work still falls to the women: keeping track of schedules, writing grocery lists — in short: managing the family. Yes, of course there are exceptions — I know couples who do great, but I also know the type of guy who will pretend to be bad at washing the dishes, just so you do it for him.
3 You’re still here? Okay, I’ll give you another one. “You don’t know what it’s like until you have them.” True. But you see, there’s a 50/50 chance and I think you shouldn’t have kids if you have doubts about having kids. Sure it might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you, and that’s great, congrats to you. But what if it’s not? I know people who, just like me, always thought children just weren’t for them. And then they became parents and it turned out to be true. These people have to live with their regret and the sheer unbearable guilt that comes with it. You just can’t say that you regret having children, because in the eyes of society it makes you a shit person. It doesn’t matter that they do a great job as parents, and that of course they love their children — they’re still seen as lesser people because they admit that they are overwhelmed, that they miss their old life, and because they dare to question the holy concept of the nuclear family.
4 If you have a child, you’ll be responsible for another person, for as long as you live. It should be obvious, right? But I often see comments by people who suggest that having children will prevent you from being lonely when you’re old, that your offspring will take care of you financially and what not. I think that’s a misconception. While you might do a good enough job at parenting to maintain a great relationship, when your children are adults, that’s not a given. They don’t owe you for being alive, they don’t need to live up to your expectations, they didn’t even ask to be born, you made that decision for them and you should be prepared to be there for them emotionally and financially for as long as they need you and want you in their life.
5 Here’s the last of my top five. I simply don’t want to be a mother. It’s not that I hate kids — on the contrary, I like them, and I happen to know some really awesome kids, whose company I enjoy a lot. I have nieces and nephews, and a stepdaughter, and I love all of them very much. I love spending time with them, playing games, reading stories to them, comforting them when they are sad or afraid. I’m proud that they look up to me as a role model, a confidant, and I strive to be as good a person as they see in me. They say it takes a village to raise a child and I love being part of that village. But do you know what else I love? Handing them back over to their parents. Silently reading a book for however long I like, enjoying a peaceful cup of tea in the morning after I slept 10 hours straight. People tend to call this selfish, but I believe, you can have a loving and fulfilled life without having kids of your own. You can form meaningful and deep relationships without having kids. You can contribute to society and do good without having kids.
Don’t get me wrong, I respect everybody, who choses to become a parent, and who takes on the responsibility to give their children all the love, kindness, stability, patience, freedom and support, that they need to become happy human beings.
But I also think we can not and should not deny that there are a whole lot of people out there, who are just shitty parents — there are a myriad of reasons why. But maybe … just maybe … if we as a society would stop stigmatizing and scrutinizing people, who make an informed decision about not having children, more people would feel comfortable with questioning their own motives and make informed decisions for their lives and the possible lives of their children as well.
So next time when you ask a woman: “So … when are you gonna have kids?” And she says: “Never.” Just give her a nod of appreciation and say: “Cool.”
