What is all this for?
Sometimes I wonder: what is all this for? Before last semester, I was convinced — and maybe I still am — that I wanted to pursue a career in finance even if it consisted of working 80+ hours a week. Trying to prove myself, last semester I did exactly that — worked 3 days 2 hours away from NYC while taking 4 classes the other days.
I became so exhausted that I felt as if I wasn’t doing well at either school or work, but I kept telling myself the usual: rise and grind; no pain no gain. Bullshit? Maybe. By the end of the semester, I was absolutely done with everything, and I really questioned whether I’d want to pursue a career that would be even harder after graduating. Do I want to make a lot of money? Fuck yeah. But, am I willing to work insane hours to end up buying bottles at the club and spending thousands at Supreme? Maybe, or maybe not.
I haven’t decided, but I realized that it seemed as if I was trying too hard to impress others through all this, because every time I asked myself why, I discovered that the things I wanted really were just the ego talking (even if I wasn’t conscious of it I realized once I asked myself). I think at times I came up with flawless, logical arguments to justify all of that even though I still had that why-the-fuck-am-I-still-doing-this thought. And maybe I still justify things. I won’t pretend to be saint, but at least now I’m much more aware of my bullshit (and others’) to the extent that I can base my decisions on something that is truly meaningful to me: relationships.
Why? Because, even though material success might bring me some sort of happiness, the only times I found unconditional joy was when I genuinely related to others and vice versa. So, what will I pursue? I still have no idea, but I have discovered a true passion for music, especially that which is fundamentally about communicating ideas that have a meaningful impact in others. If you want a taste of what I really mean, just listen to J. Cole’s Love Yourz.
