What is all this for?

Sometimes I wonder: what is all this for? Before last semester, I was convinced — and maybe I still am — that I wanted to pursue a career in finance even if it consisted of working 80+ hours a week. Trying to prove myself, last semester I did exactly that — worked 3 days 2 hours away from NYC while taking 4 classes the other days.

I became so exhausted that I felt as if I wasn’t doing well at either school or work, but I kept telling myself the usual: rise and grind; no pain no gain. Bullshit? Maybe. By the end of the semester, I was absolutely done with everything, and I really questioned whether I’d want to pursue a career that would be even harder after graduating. Do I want to make a lot of money? Fuck yeah. But, am I willing to work insane hours to end up buying bottles at the club and spending thousands at Supreme? Maybe, or maybe not.

I haven’t decided, but I realized that it seemed as if I was trying too hard to impress others through all this, because every time I asked myself why, I discovered that the things I wanted really were just the ego talking (even if I wasn’t conscious of it I realized once I asked myself). I think at times I came up with flawless, logical arguments to justify all of that even though I still had that why-the-fuck-am-I-still-doing-this thought. And maybe I still justify things. I won’t pretend to be saint, but at least now I’m much more aware of my bullshit (and others’) to the extent that I can base my decisions on something that is truly meaningful to me: relationships.

Why? Because, even though material success might bring me some sort of happiness, the only times I found unconditional joy was when I genuinely related to others and vice versa. So, what will I pursue? I still have no idea, but I have discovered a true passion for music, especially that which is fundamentally about communicating ideas that have a meaningful impact in others. If you want a taste of what I really mean, just listen to J. Cole’s Love Yourz.

Arnoldo Gonzalez Torres

Written by

Finance Major from NYU and Consultant. Living without rudder, someplace between nowhere and goodbye. Passions include Music, Film, & Writing. Viviendo sin

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