Why I may never be able to function in a relationship again.

This is a letter to a girl I dated, and still dating. To this point we have broken up nine times. At this point I am not sure what my choice is. What am I doing that is my choosing?

I have said with my own mouth that I do not want in anymore. That I am giving up on the relationship and I would much rather be on my own for a while. But no matter how much I begged for this, I somehow wound up back with you, and now we back together trying to rebuild. And it’s all in the name of willingness and second chances. I even told you, if you keep pushing me you will get me to do what you want me to do, but it will not be my choice. But this never stopped you. In my head, I keep hearing you telling me how much I never cared about you, so here I am trying to show you that I did care. But then I am asking myself why, if I want out, why am I still doing the work. How are you getting me to behave this way? The question here is, how can you ask for space and be denied of it, how can you ask for time, and be denied of it, and find yourself full circle doing what you’ve pushed so hard to not do, to the point you are finding renationalization for things you’d rather not be without. This is the chaos that is my current mental and emotional state.

At this point I am probably talking about this stuff too much, but my heart is broken, my mind is shattered, and I’ve been stripped of all stability, and it’s all in the name of you loving me. I lack in trust, I feel manipulated, and I guess I am trying to establish a sense of normalcy and stability. I am trying so hard to convince myself that you meant well, and that your heart was in the right place, but no matter how many times I look at everything, it seems you were only serving yourself and at each turn I was always the one that was in the wrong.

I loved you in a way that I do not think you will ever know or fully understand. Part of that is my fault. How can you know something I never explained well enough for you to understand? So, so, so many months ago I told you that I’d love you with the patience and playfulness of a sibling, the support of a parent, devotion of a best friend, and passion of a lover. My goals for you were all based on everything you described to me that you were deprived of prior to coming to the United States. I assured you, take advantage for as long as it still suits you, and if you so got serious about someone, else let me know so I may not get in your way. And yes, the thought of other people is rough, and it sucks. Makes you sick in the stomach just thinking about it, but we were never meant to be, so none of that even mattered. But to me, you were more important than anything I wanted with you. I do not know if that is a good thing, or a bad thing. I really don’t, but those were my feelings. I’m sure you saw this during your time in Philly.

I was so afraid of getting involved, but how happy I made you was refreshing. You were kind, calm, relaxing, and you allowed me to be, a feeling I completely forgot. To be close to someone without being bound by their circumstances, is probably the nicest, and most freeing thing I have ever experienced. Atleast until all that changes. I feel I should let you know that, I was not involved with my ex, it was just easy to pull on my heart strings. It really doesn’t take much before someone has me doing something I’d rather not be doing. I never took advantage of you, as in laying with you and turning around and laying with someone else.

We went about our days free of conflict, we didn’t argue, and no matter what was happening outside of us, or inside ourselves, the air was always light when we were around each other. It was the kind of freedom that you could be what you want, feel what you want, do what you want, and the air would always be light. You always said I treated you like you were perfect, that is because within the frame work of our agreement, you were perfect, and so, I never had a bad thing to say about you. The was why I never held on to anything againts you, could never stay mad at you, not get jealous, or controlling, or assert any sort of influence over you except for what you told me you wanted for yourself. I went about my days finding out what it was you wanted, and I’d find a way in which I can fit into that frame work. That was all that mattered because if I was in that picture, no matter how small, I would be satisfied. it was clear cut, with the full potential of lasting a life time. This made you happy. you loved it.

At the time it felt like this is what we both felt. It felt like we understood each other. We had a similar past, similar future desires, and at the time it even seemed like similar emotional wavelength. It was part of the reason I even brought up to you those topics that were such a turn off for you. I believed that was the kind of space we offered each other. To be able to talk about anything that and everything. Because that was more important than the romance. Or whatever you want to call it.

But things changed, and we became something else completely. The narrative of our initial understanding got rewritten and something else took form and I had a very hard time with it. What I thought I understood, didn’t quit seem like it anymore. Became everything I wanted to run away from, everything you said you wanted to run away from. But I still couldn’t even do that. I lived through it anyway.

The days when I was dealing with the damage from my past relationship, I was so helpless. It was the kind of helplessness that yourself worth is based on what someone else tell you. As in, if you do not do what they tell you, you are this and you are that. It was two years of that. 24 months, of your existence being dictated by someone else. The things I accepted still haunts me today. The only way out was to tell her not call me again and that she should find another way to deal with her pain and depression. When I did that I was free from those chains, or so it seemed like I did. The only thing that changes was the person holding the chains. I took them from my ex-girlfriend and handed them to you. The reasons I walked away from my ex, I just transferred them to the life I lived with you, nothing changed at all.

I never would have imagined my move to Chicago would do to you what it did. I should have been there for you. I put so much effort to give you the confidence that even if you are an ocean away, the bond would stay strong. Remember those talks we used to have, as we projected what life would be like as we planned which schools we would like to go to, and where we might want to live after graduating. Much like me, you had ambition that were far reaching. Practically in opposite direction to where I wanted to go. I know they were all scenarios, but the point was that you’d always have someone.

But I am so sorry for how I carried myself. I know you keep telling me stop apologizing, but I want you to know just how sorry I am. As I replay the times you were so hurt that you felt you needed to beg, cut away at me.

I’m sure you struggle with this as well. It’s hard. That nurturing feels vanished. For me it’s hard because I can’t picture ever letting me go. Atleast not willingly. Let me go not with the intent writing you off, but allow me a chance at a family, you have already signed yourself into.