The December Frozen Pizza Experiment

It didn’t take long to find a depressing picture of frozen pizza. This is the first pic that appeared when I did a Google search.

I haven’t eaten store-bought frozen pizza in years. And I will this month, as a service to myself and to all of you, my internet pizza pals.

Why me? Who am I to judge frozen pizza?

If you know me IRL or even here on the internets, you know that I love pizza. I honestly eat some every day.

I know. That’s nuts. But I’ve always loved pizza. Like REEEEEEEAAAAALLLLY love pizza.

Let me tell you a few of my prejudices, as we begin this thing, then I’ll tell you why I’m doing it.

So I love New York pizza. You know — this.

And I love Detroit pizza. This, from Toronto’s Descendant, is world class. Truly.

I don’t like Chicago deep dish (I love thin crust in many old school pizzerias in Chicago), I really don’t like delivery from big chains. My favorite pizza in the world is my hometown style, Montréal.

Now. Back to frozen pizza. I always have pizza in my freezer. I order a few New York-style pies from a local spot (okay, it’s Big House Pizza here in Toronto), freeze them in foil, two slices at a time. I reheat low and slow, going for a nice golden brown.

I much prefer ANY pizza frozen and reheated than fresh.

But frozen pizza, as we’ve all established, tends to be awful. But I refuse to believe that, with 2016 two weeks away, there is no decent frozen pizza readily available.

So here are the rules I’m going to follow:

• I’m going to heat every pie low and slow. I’m not going to follow directions on the box, rather, I’m going to bake until the pie JUST BEGINS to turn golden brown. So every pie will be on the same footing.
• I’m going to test only pies that are readily available. So these are frozen pies available from big box grocers and the like.
• I currently live in Toronto, so that’s where the pies are coming from. So don’t email me about how California Pizza Kitchen makes a nice pie or Tombstone or whomever. If I can’t find it in Toronto, I’m not testing it.
• I’m not a masochist. I’m not testing every pie. I’m testing a pretty random sample, based on what store I’m in and what they carry.
• Each pie I test gets a short review here @Medium.
• Each pie gets a holistic grade from 1–100, the latter being the top mark. While I might discuss various aspects of the experience of eating the pie, all we’re concerned with here is the final number.
• I mark hard, as anyone who’s ever been in a startup competition that I’ve judged can attest to. If a pie gets an 80, you should buy one and eat it. End of that story.

That’s pretty much it. I have no idea how this is going to go. I’m really not excited about trying frozen pies. And, sorry, while I know that food is valuable and I try to dispose of as little edible food as possible, I’m not going to torture my palate. If the pie isn’t good (I originally mistyped “food,” which is probably more accurate), it gets discarded.

I guess I’m doing this to suspend disbelief. Making great pizza is impossibly hard. I know. I make pizza from scratch at home several times a week. But, seriously. If I owned a large food factory, I’m pretty damn sure I could create a frozen pie you’d eat. So I can’t believe that there isn’t at least one available here in Toronto.

Okay. Sigh. Let’s do this.

Above. Your taste tester.