9 Things I Learned Catfishing Trump Fans

Last week, I signed up for TrumpSingles.com in the hopes of learning about what on earth Donald Trump fans are thinking. I googled “most common Republican names” and “most common surnames in Texas.” And thus, on TrumpSingles.com and in Facebook groups for Trump supporters, Bailey Williams, a 26-year-old jogger and Texans fan, was born.

While each interaction I had may have split my soul and created Horcruxes, I learned a great deal about the people casting their votes for Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election.

1. If you Facebook friend one Trump supporter, 30 more will send you friend requests in the next 10 minutes.

Why couldn’t I be this popular in high school?

2. I could probably get a girlfriend faster through TrumpSingles.com than I can in real life.

3. Not all Trump supporters are white … somehow …

4. As is true across the entire online dating spectrum, Trump supporters have totally awkward pick-up lines.

Despite his best efforts, I still identify as lesbian after this interaction.

5. People of color are criminals, apparently.

6. Guns don’t kill people. Muslims kill people!

And Dylann Roof was … ?

7. And hurting Muslims, even Muslim children, is A-okay.

8. Oprah is racist.

I still have no idea how this is relevant to Trump.

9. Everything is a conspiracy.

Shoutout to Arizona for rising up against the establishment and refusing to acknowledge daylight savings.

My conclusion? I could create a profile for the dog Mitt Romney tied to the roof of his car in 1983, post a video saying Obama tried to delete the U.S. terror list because he’s friendly with ISIS, and have at least one Trump supporter like the post within five minutes. And no, I’m not just being hypothetical:

Okay, more seriously: minus the TrumpSingles.com profiles I found for an alcoholic Bernie Sanders, Brock Turner, and a not-so-stealthy person named “under cover,” these people are real and planning on voting in the November election for a racist, sexist, xenophobic, transphobic, homophobic, abusive guy whose hair looks like a wig made from a recently-slaughtered old Pomeranian.

Photo credit: @queen.of.dog.meme on Memewhileinnm.com

So here’s where I ask something serious of you: if you have the privilege of voting (if you’re a documented U.S. citizen, a legal adult, and uninhibited by discriminatory voter I.D. laws and timing restrictions), vote in the 2016 presidential election for literally anyone other than Donald Trump.

Immersing myself in the ocean of Trump supporters for a couple weeks sucked out parts of my soul; I can’t imagine what it would be like to swim in it for a four or eight-year presidency.