Gender revelations
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to wake up one day, and the only changes to your body are the parts that separate you from the other sex? Don’t think about hormones, or their multitude of effects on your personality, other appearances, or how you are perceived. Only one thing has changed, and drastically so.
Now ask yourself, “What if I had my gender identity already figured out by now, as an adult?” Only to realize, randomly, that a quiet discomfort in the back of your brain would shatter that. A discomfort you’ve had all your life, as long as you can recall.
I promise I’ll get back to the first opening question in a moment, stay with me.
I had the realization about something related to my gender not 10 minutes ago as of writing this, while in the shower. (Ah, where all of the deepest thoughts occur…)
Despite having struggled with gender identity before, in high school, I brushed away the idea that I identify as a trans man and settled upon nonbinary, or genderqueer, depending on the day. I think that still applies to me and makes sense as a label, but I also identify with womanhood, and being a female in some capacity.
I had always thought until then that I should’ve been born male, despite not *quite* feeling like I’m a “man” in a real sense. I had honestly long given up on those thoughts, but something still lay silently in the back of my busy little mind, waiting for things to click.
And they just did. At 27 years of age, I finally have a better sense of what I feel, and have the words to express it. I don’t know that it’ll mean any changes to my life or any new labels, but the relief of just knowing is maybe enough for now.
I was born female, and thus have the parts assigned to the chromosomes I happen to have. I may agree with the idea that I am at least somewhat aligned with that, though not entirely, it’s enough that I use she/her pronouns in public. I like they/them as pronouns as well, pretty equally I’d say. He/him doesn’t seem to fit me, but this is where the dilemma comes in.
I don’t like the parts I have. I have such a problem with them in fact, that I don’t ever touch them with my own two hands! Now that doesn’t mean I don’t desire or access pleasure, I do, especially considering I have a very high libido. I have to find other means of gaining pleasure, such as with another person, with toys, or even simply through a barrier of clothing.
I cannot physically touch my own vagina. I just can’t do it. I use things like loofahs to clean down there, but I never use my fingers to do anything. If I have to touch down there, I will use gloves.
Why have I never talked about it with anyone?? More importantly, why is this the case? Well, I finally found the answer, just out of the blue. Well, not entirely. I’d had the thought many times when I was younger, but I attributed it to perhaps being a trans man. It’s that I have always wanted to instead have a penis. I’ve always felt like I was born with the wrong hardware, but pretty much the correct software.
What does that make me then? How can I be cisgender if I want to have the opposite parts? Meanwhile, how can I be transgender if I don’t want ANY other changes? I am perfectly happy with my C-cup chest, my curvy body, my soft feminine features, my higher-pitched voice, and my general… woman-ness?
I also can’t be cis if I prefer to identify as nonbinary and use they/them pronouns from time to time. The only thing I have dysphoria over, and wish I could change, is what’s down below. And that’s it!
That’s why I asked the opening question. That’s the question I have unknowingly been asking myself every day of my life. Maybe sometimes I thought I knew, but I misjudged what the question meant about who I am.
I know my identity. Even if it may sound odd or nonsensical to some, I’m a nonbinary woman. I identify as both. Part of me is indeed a woman, but part of me just… isn’t! I often only say nonbinary, and to most of the people I meet, I’ll accept being perceived as female by them, because the world is not yet a fully safe and inclusive place. I also accept it because it’s not entirely incorrect. Being a woman is a part of me, just not all of me.
I have no way of achieving the bodily change I desire, at least not in any way that I can imagine is possible. To have a sexual reassignment surgery, there are MANY steps, and as far as I’m aware, it isn’t just a “Hey doc, I just want a penis, but no other changes, like no hormones or anything. Got that? Cool, I’m ready to go under.”
I could be wrong, but I haven’t heard of such a thing, on top of that, I’m pretty scared of surgeries in general. I’ve had two in my life, and the recovery is not fun, and I just don’t want to experience it again. I’ll probably only have surgeries that are necessary if need be.
I don’t have much else to make about this revelation, only that once again, I am amazed at how unique gender can be. Everyone’s experience with it is different. It’s why we now consider gender to be more of a spectrum, than a solid “only this or only that” type deal. Of course, some people disagree and will refute my own identity, but they don’t live in my brain or my body. I wish they could for a day, and maybe I could take a different body for a spin as well! How fun that would be.
