Things that matter and that needed to get out of my brain! …

A sort of a poem, spoken word or an unconventional love letter…

I may have gone about this the wrong way! I think we both did, but it’s ok…I guess…it’s all a learning process!

And in the end we want to try and be the best version of ourselves for the other person! But are we? Am I?

Sometimes…Most of the time I wonder…

Am I helping you? Am I loving you the right way? Are you?

Am I loving you, respecting you, etc. as God does?

Are you loving me, respecting me as God does?

Am I selfish? Yes!

Love can be selfish, no?

Is that allowed?

Am I allowed to love selfishly or should I aim to love you selflessly?

Probably selfless is the way to go! The right thing to do!

I put so much pressure on “us” to work, I want “us” to last forever!

I talk to you as if you have all the answers, when you don’t, you are here, searching…yearning…just trying to be yourself…just like me!

Death indeed is coming! one day! But not now please…I hope…I pray…

Do you want to continue searching with me, no pressure, no questions asked, even if the search might not be perfect, even if we don’t find what we are looking for…

In the end it will be worth the trouble…

In the end it will be worth the wait…

Death indeed is coming! one day! But not now please…I hope…I pray…

Some nights we spend together I feel makes us closer yet maybe unconsciously draws us apart…

I hate that feeling!

Ok hate is strong…

I dislike that feeling!

Death indeed is coming! one day! But not now please…I hope…I pray…

Getting along with my parents and me, yours…what an ideal, lovely idea…

I guess…it’s ok…for now…if that doesn’t happen…those things take time anyways, so people say…what do people know?

Time…what is time?

Are we using our time wisely? - What do you think?

I have thought about it several times…sex with you…or as you would say “f***-ing you” or as I would say “making love!”

To each their own…as you would say…LOL

The reality is that I am not ready, you say you are ok with it or you have just accepted we won’t have it…I am glad, but sad…because for now…that sounds ok, but for how long will that feeling last…

…Sigh…

However, maybe deep down, I am NOT OK with it!

I would love to do it, but I guess I don’t want to set any high expectations, or not break this pact I made with myself and God, or just until my body gives the go ahead….who knows…

Death indeed is coming! one day! But not now please…I hope…I pray…

We may last forever or not…I dislike this word “or not”…

I love you, I hate you, I want you, I need you …. (I think this may already be a song LOL)

Anyways this is how I feel about you!

Some days, I wonder; how will I wake up today, will I lay next to you, will I not? how will you feel? — the same? different? Whether I am in the nude or not!

I vaguely remember our first outings…LOL…that’s a lie…I remember every detail, especially the words you said…you may or may not remember —“ How did I get here? How did you get here with me and feel lucky?

Do you still feel lucky?

Death indeed is coming! one day! But not now please…I hope…I pray…

Today, you lost your wallet…we were suppose to go away together…our first weekends…our first trips together…I get anxious…I happy…I am excited…I feel sexy…I feel sad…

Did we rush this?

No we didn’t…or did we…no we didn’t…

I love you…

Oh well, it’s all a learning process!

I sit here thinking, writing, I should be working but I am writing…I usually did write…mostly to God…describing my day…my wants…my desires…my prayers…even before I met you!

Ever since I met you, my writing has grown…maybe it’s because of the endless boredom working from home, having no one in person to talk to…or it could be all these podcasts you sent to me LOL

I love talking to you…I feel like I talk or I share with you too much…

Will this come back and hunt me? Will this be bad for our future selfs? Why do I feel like I can risk telling you everything?

Is this normal? Am I normal? Are we normal?

Death indeed is coming, it’s true…one day…it could take you away from me at anytime…or vice versa…but not now please…I hope…I pray…

Please be safe…don’t take risks…don’t try and be a hero…please don’t leave me…I won’t leave you…

Who am I kidding? haha…you’ll do what you want anyways…

Some days I feel empty, I feel like I have nothing to say to you, but I hate silence so I try and fill in the blank spaces…

I pray you will love me whether I talk a lot or not…but even if you can’t or don’t, I guess I can’t do anything about that…

Do you feel hurt? Do you think I will hurt you? Do you feel like I suffocate you?

Please breathe, please feel free! I am not doing this on purpose, I am trying my best to love you!

I am thinking to make every minute we have together last, because as you say…death is coming?

I guess I need that reality, but I hate it….ok dislike it…

I have never had anybody else in this circle of love except God, my family and myself!

Don’t feel so cocky, proud or full of yourself, love is a gift! I am therefor gifting my love to you!

Do I wish you could express yourself the same way I do? Probably… yes and no…

You are you!And being you, the best you can be around me, and vice versa, should be enough, has to be enough!

Meeting you and getting to know you has obstructed my way of thinking and being…I hate you…I love you!

Death indeed is coming! one day! But not now please…I hope…I pray…

Changing you was my initial plan…What kind of a stupid plan is that?

You’ve never tried to change me?

I am sorry about that, you should know that by now!

I wonder why/how I stand the things you do, like when you f*** all the time!

You say it’s a way of expressing yourself…fair enough…but I don’t get it haha

There’s nothing wrong with saying “F***”, especially when I use the French alternative almost as often haha….but I can’t say it in English…trust me I have been forced in the past to actually say this word haha…won’t do it…feels so uncomfortable to me…but I let you know this…because I’m hoping you will understand…

And if there are things, that make you uncomfortable, please feel free to let me know!

Do you feel like God cares what we do? Is he happy or jealous watching us? Or just confused? LOL

Do you fear God? I do…Not because He will hurt or do something bad…He is not like that…I don’t see Him that way…but just because He does things so unexpectedly!

Death indeed is coming! one day! But not now please…I hope…I pray…

I don’t mind talking about various topics with you, from music, art, podcasts,…others subjects, I’m sort of a slow starter, like a slow motor haha…

I need to get into it, politics, sex and porn…yes there all in the same category, because these are topics that are indeed interesting but I wouldn’t personally go for it…

“God works on all of us”-another saying you say haha

Talking to you, it’s not just talking to you, it’s sharing my dreams, my wants, my desires, my quirks, my fears, my beliefs, etc.

Sometimes I do hide some thoughts, I don’t want to hurt you…or I guess me in the process…Sometimes it’s ok to get hurt, it’s part of the learning process…again, this learning process…

One should love learning, but I sometimes wish I had it all figured out haha, I’m one of those species :P

Do I protect you? Do I protect myself?

Religion, faith, drugs, etc. are things I would like to address with you…

What is this fascination with trying drugs…I guess I should respect that…I have that same fascination towards faith…

At least they have one thing in common, they are both legal haha…

You’ll say…this again…and I say this has always been a part of our equation, we just don’t talk about it enough…or avoid it altogether…

I guess I have a fear you’ll possibly be addicted…this has deeply affected my family and I…seeing close relatives in a certain state…but I guess money has also had that same impact on us…that could also be another addiction to break away from…

Are we doing things the right way?

I can only say I wish I knew…I would really like “us” to be at the end of “our” road…but then again…I’m not sure…

Only Jesus knows…

However, I know about honesty, love, hurt,…I try my best to these things with you, with myself!

Sometimes I am a jerk, sometimes you are a jerk, and just as long as we don’t jerk each other around (not in the way you think haha)…I think we will be fine…

I hope…I pray…

I guess forever and death, can come and go but love will stay?

Who is this girl in front of you? You met her before, you didn’t go for her!

You met her now, you dove in!

This girl is a mystery, the artist in her can come out, will come out, you may just need to wait, how long can you wait? Is she worth your wait?

Does she excite you? Does she love you enough? Too much? Not enough?

Do you still thrill each other? Do you still enjoy each other?

Death can not be coming, she isn’t ready yet!

She sees greatness in you and in herself; — as individuals, because that’s what makes “us” unique and as a couple,…however we do look different from other couples, a bit unorthodox if I can say that…but then again, I think we make a great duo?

Magic, Powerful, Fearful, Energetic, Fun…are words we could embody?…what do you think?

Death can not be coming, she isn’t ready yet!

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