It’s been six hours drive from airoprt. Beautiful, dear to heart Russia were all the eyes could see. Trees, barely affected by fall were standing in yellow and red leaves. Clear sky. It was a little breezy so the driver turned the heat on. Elon Musk asked how soon they’d arrive but driver didn’t respond. Just made music louder.
ЭТИ ГЛАЗКИ ЭТИ ГОЛУБЫЕ ГЛАЗКИ
Soon the road became unbearably bad. Sights were still beautiful, yet car were slowly drowning in mud, barely moving. Russian cellars appeared on the horizon. There were strange mormon-like bearded men near them. «That’s them» said driver and Elon Musk started confidently walking towards cellars. His boot stepped in the mud and he’s almost fell face down in manure.
Elon Musk *speaking in bad Russian*: Good afternoon. Hellou. I travel you beautiful country for investmenting. Your wide spaces. Glory of your nature. It is possible to built paradise technology. You do did understanding my Russian?
Bearded Man: Da. That’s why we’ve invited you here. We have tons of money yet short on brainpower. Got too used to manual labor. Agrarian country, you know. Yet lack of scientist took it’s toll. Especially for me an my son.
Elon Musk: You and your son? You like technology? Your country need technology very much. Fast travel! Wide space — bad road! With your investments and me idea we could make Russia comfortable to live in…
As Elon were speaking car behind him started and splashed him with mud.
— Whats happening?
Main mormon took out rifle and pointed at Elon Musk.
— Tie him down, son!
Little kid with dirty face and a knife in his waistband grabbed shaken by fear scientist and started to tie him to a pillar.
— This is a mistake! I am american citizen! Let go! What are you do? I am a scientist!
— Насрал калач копчёный!**
Mormons started to put firewood to the pillar.
— In the name of Chernobog we will burn this wizard! Glory to Jeus Christ!
Mormons applauded and someone threw flame to the feet of Elon Musk. He screamed as he felt hellish heat of bonfire. Mormons started walk in roundelay and sing kumbaya.
— Father Herman, now when he’s burning would Mother-Earth give us good wheat crop next year?
— Definetely son, definetely.
* Untranslatable old cheesy song about woman lusting over her lover’s eyes
** Untranslatable slur rhyming with Russian word for «scientist»